Have Good Sex.
I’ve written about sex and marriage on this blog, before. The gist of that post was “sex, even Christian sex, can and should be good.” A natural progression of that thought is “HOW can sex be good?”
Something I’ve heard from men is that their wives seem sexually distant or uninterested most of the time. They ask, “what is it? A hormonal thing?” Well, part of it may be hormonal. As CNN recently reported, there are a lot of reasons for sexual disinterest. (It’s a good article.) Whatever the reason is that you and your partner aren’t as frisky as ferrets, there are several things you could do to amp up her (or his) interest.
The first? Announce your intentions. This doesn’t mean walking up to your partner and saying, “wanna do it? Like, sex?” No, no, no. Announce your intentions in nonverbal ways, first. Touch your partner. Make eye contact. Pay attention to them. Start the process long before you want to end up in the bed. Make your partner breakfast. Give them a massage while they eat it. If they are watching TV, sit beside them and stroke their arm. Try to spark that physical longing.
Woo them. Do things that you know matter to them. Does your partner love food? Then make them a knock-out meal. Do they like shopping? Hand them some money and tag along to all of their favorite cash vacuums (I mean, stores)! Does your partner love to snuggle? Buy them a new blanket, rent a movie they’d like and wrap the two of you up on the couch. Don’t go for sex right away- just enjoy each other.
The emotional component of sexual drive is often forgotten, and sex itself made into a purely physical recreation. Sexual distance might not be simply sexual, so take care of the emotional connection and you may very well see the sexual one reawaken.
When the night of Love comes, don’t hop into bed right away. First, take care of the location. If you have kids, make sure that the kid’s clothes and toys aren’t in your bed. Wash the sheets. Make sure the room is at least reasonably tidy and inviting. Next: take care of YOURSELF. Bathe, if you’re so inclined you can invite your partner into the tub with you. Make sure your teeth are clean, your hair doesn’t look like a bird has been roosting in it, and your clothes aren’t the same ones you’ve been wearing all week.
Don’t over-eat or eat carb-heavy food right before engaging in adult activities. You don’t want to be bloated and gassy. Also, make sure you compliment your partner’s body. Often women, especially women who have had kids, feel like they aren’t attractive anymore. Men who have packed on a few pounds might feel the same way. Communicate to your partner how attractive they are, how desperate you are for them.
Also- never underestimate the power of clean and attractive undergarments. Don’t wear the underwear with the stains and torn elastic. Present yourself in an attractive package!
Then… don’t just hop into bed naked. Take time to enjoy yourself and reaquaint yourself with your partners body. The things people enjoy and want and want to do change over time. If you’ve fallen into a sexual groove that’s become dull, change things up. You could even try switching roles- not gender roles, but who does the pursuing and who calls the shots. In most relationships there is a pursuer and pursued, and your shy flower of a partner might come out of her (or his) bud if you give her (or him) the reigns.
Do you wonder if your partner would be comfortable telling you what to do? Talk to your partner outside of the bedroom. Ask about your partners sexual fantasies. Ask about what has or hasn’t gotten their engines revved in the past. Ask them if the two of you have shared a favorite sexual encounter, and what about it made it so memorable. Be honest about your own desires. Honest and open communication is one of the biggest aphrodisiacs of all.
So go, dear people, go and have amazing mind-blowing better-every-year sex. It is possible!
DM replied:
My wife and I laugh now at all of the things I/we had going against us in those early years…fear of pregnancy, pure physical exhaustion especially when you’ve got really little ones in the home…men tend to be like a microwave (get hot quick) whereas, a women tends to be more like oven (takes longer to get warmed up)..expectations..I could go on and on..cultural mixed messages (when you grow up in a strong catholic tradition for example..the ever virgin Mary mother of Jesus…is held up as the model of virtue (don’t get me started)..and then the young woman is supposed to flip a switch on her wedding night and now be a tigeress (sp?)
I think 99% of the people reading your blog would be shocked @ what the bible really says about sexuality…there is a steamy love poem right in the middle of it, plus other very explicit portions that paint a much different picture on married love than most people every experience…your’re touching on it here.
March 6, 2008 at 3:13 pm. Permalink.
Steve replied:
The sexual disinterest comes and goes with women. I have seen it so many times and what I have found to be a huge factor is the amount of stress in their lives. It could money related, family, job - whatever - when things are weighing heay on the minds of women, sex is an afterthought. Steve http://www.barebitsblog.com
March 6, 2008 at 3:40 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Perfect post. Very right on and sensible advice. Men don’t get it that something simple like running your woman a candle lit bubble bath (which costs nothing) and putting the kids to bed while she enjoys it… tidying up the bedroom, and giving her a massage will go a long way towards getting HER in the mood… And all free! For a woman, sex starts from the brain, and then the body.
March 6, 2008 at 4:47 pm. Permalink.
Matthew replied:
Great post, girl!
Might I be so bold as to recommend another blog on this very topic?
check out Christian Nymphos! This site is written by women mostly for women, but it has so many great ideas, tips, tricks, etc for HOT, CHRISTIAN, SEX!!! Go check it out!
SDG,
Matty
March 6, 2008 at 4:49 pm. Permalink.
shellakers replied:
Very good post
March 6, 2008 at 5:04 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Ummm you know I was thinking… just what is “Christian Sex”? Do you mean you do it different than the rest of us? Im confused here!
March 6, 2008 at 7:40 pm. Permalink.
Jay replied:
When they scream “oh God!” they really mean it.
March 6, 2008 at 7:54 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
@ Amber & Jay: Um… *lol* It’s holier? Perhaps it would have been better said as, “sex between Christians.” That’s what I get for blogging before I have my caffeine.
March 6, 2008 at 8:04 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Thanks for clearing that up Jay! Now I know!
Sex between Christians… hmmm so orgies are allowed as long as they are all Christians? Hey I like this idea! Whip me, spank me, Oh god, yes Im a Christian!!! I am a sinner! lol
March 6, 2008 at 8:20 pm. Permalink.
jennijen replied:
yay for christian sex! i mean sex between christians! whatever. i think a common barrier for sex in women raised in christian homes is that they’ve been told all their lives that sex is bad and that they are somehow dirty if they enjoy it. it’s not bad, it’s wonderful! i think sex is one of the best parts of being married, and the safety of a committed relationship makes trying new things easier (for me). Intended for pleasure is a great book for newbies.
also , i second and third the advice to compliment a woman on her body and to pursue her throughout the day. nothing gets me going better than the knowledge that my husband thinks i’m hot!
March 6, 2008 at 8:29 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
Great post, shush, though (no offense meant) that microwave/crock pot analogy deserves a happy retirement, stat.
March 6, 2008 at 10:50 pm. Permalink.
Jay replied:
Good Christian sex huh? It’s clear someone wasn’t raised Catholic. If she was, she’s know it’s supposed to be lights-out, for procreation only, no longer than it takes to recite a Hail Mary and if anyone had a good time then they’d better tell their priest all about it on Sunday.
March 6, 2008 at 10:58 pm. Permalink.
Tony replied:
Being that my girlfriend works in a sex shop I get to hear about all sorts of people and their views on sex. One story that comes to mind was about a young woman who found out that her husband had porn on his laptop. This man also worked away from home extensively. His wife was not amused, for one she felt that he shouldn’t be “fantasizing about those other girls” and for two, she felt that the sexual acts performed in the porn was disgusting and perverse and felt seriously worried that he fantasized about doing those things to her, the relationship was in serious jeopardy from this.
The thing about this whole story was that the girl wasn’t overly Religious, she was just closed-minded and insecure. My girlfriend did her best to help the girl understand that men can have fantasies about doing sexual acts that they wouldn’t do to their wives out of respect, but neither of us believe that the marriage will last.
As a student of sexuality I believe that open mindedness is the key to enjoyable sex, men want what they can’t have. It’s our nature, we don’t fantasize about our wives, (sad but true fact ladies, sorry), we fantasize about every other girl we can’t have, didn’t have, or had before. In stark contrast, some women have told me that when they stop fantasizing about the man they’re currently with it’s a sign that the relationship is soon to end.
For ladies I might offer a tiny sliver of advice. Ask your man what the naughtiest thing is that he would ever consider enjoying in-bed. The answer may shock you and if it’s something you would never do, be honest and say so, he likely already knows that. However consider maybe a middle ground. A step toward that naughtiness to an area you’d not considered before. You’ll likely find that your lover will respect you all the more for your consideration of his desires.
For men, well all women are different, but as Shush says, communication is key and knowing what turns a woman on is the first step. After that all I can say is there is a time for use and abuse, and there is a time for gentle care and attention, she’ll let you know what time it is if you ask.
March 7, 2008 at 7:10 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
Well… to be brutally honest, there is NO reason why the woman you mention *shouldn’t* have felt hurt re. the porn on the laptop. It’s not just “nothing” or some sort of recreational activity. Really.
March 7, 2008 at 11:16 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
e2c: I don’t like that analogy much either, simply because it doesn’t cover the fact that it’s not just “one gets hot quick, the other takes longer to warm up” its, “the two approach things from totally different places in different ways”.
Tony: It’s hard for any woman to wrap her mind around the idea of pornography as a healthy aspect of a committed relationship. I do know a few couples who enjoy it (I believe both of them watch together, though) but in the vast majority of relationships I’ve seen where pornography was brought up, it was in a negative way. Some men use it instead of pleasuring a wife who wants attention, some men aren’t turned on by their wives but are by pornography, and the list goes on and on. An argument could be made that in most cases it’s not just pornography that is the problem, there are deep seated marital problems or psycho-sexual problems that the pornography aggravates.
In any case, perhaps that woman’s problem was not merely with the pornography, but with some sort of pain or anxiety that was being projected from some other area.
Plus- if a man and woman don’t have a good sex life, the pornography should be shelved until they work it out, and that energy should be spent on each other.
March 8, 2008 at 12:42 pm. Permalink.
Chris replied:
Stumbled across your blog and thought I’d share on this subject. Part of the problem with sex in marriages, is that one (or both) of the partners don’t feel loved. Empty “love tank”.
You’ve got to talk your partner’s love language. Perhaps its touch, words, quality time, gifts, or acts of service. There’s this book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things (and I’m a guy which says a lot). AND if your partner is not talking your language, then your love tank is empty.
Really insightful stuff
-Chris
http://sharpeningiron.wordpress.com/
March 8, 2008 at 4:11 pm. Permalink.
Allyson replied:
Here’s a little truism I just came up with that probably needs to find its way into a sermon someday:
The reason most Christians don’t have good sex is because, deep down inside, most Christians don’t believe that sex is good.
March 8, 2008 at 9:11 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Chris: thanks for the comment. The Love Languages book is a worthy investment!
Allyson: That is a very true statement, and a sad one as well.
March 10, 2008 at 12:50 pm. Permalink.
DKN replied:
A quick note - going back to what DM initially said re microwave vs oven sort of thing - it’s really really untrue. Women respond to sexual stimuli immediately, just like men do. You just can’t SEE our response unless you are looking very closely, lol. We can certainly feel it, though. Anyway, that’s the one stage of our sexual response cycles that are identical. So I’m with you and e2c that the analogy is just…well, not accurate. Anyway, any glitches in the beginning stages of sexual response could come from societal messages and oppression, as he goes on to point out, but men are just as vulnerable to that sort of thing as women.
March 11, 2008 at 4:02 pm. Permalink.