Women are not Crock Pots
So, it seems like almost every time sex is mentioned and the sexual differences between men and women are brought up, someone says, “women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves…”
I don’t think there is any simple metaphor to describe the sexual differences between men and women. The truth is, men and women are the same but also different. It doesn’t take a long time for a woman to get going, but she doesn’t get going for the same reasons as a man. See, men are visual creatures- they see, they desire. If a woman wants to seduce a man, all she needs to do is put on something skimpy and sexy, tell him she’ll be in bed licking chocolate off her fingers and go wait. He will see, he will picture, he will desire.
If a man did the same to a woman, she may not even look at him. She may just say, “oh, gross.”
For a woman, sexual arousal is very much about being desired. It is about give and take. Most women aren’t turned on solely by the thought of doing sexual favors for their man (although it can be fun and some women enjoy it more than their own arousal), they want to know that he wants to please them as well. They want to be touched, spoken to, adored. In that way men and women actually work well together- because men see and desire and pursue, and women want to be seen and desired and pursued.
But are women crock pots? No- certainly not. If you know the right buttons to push it won’t take long to get your woman steaming hot. The difference between men and women is that there are different buttons to be pushed. Even between women the triggers can be different. One woman loves being spoken to, she wants to be held and feel his breath against her neck. Another woman wants to be touched, another to be kissed, another to be fed. The same can be true of men. While one man might feel his pulse quicken at the sight of his woman in red lace, another might be equally invigorated by her laying on the couch in panties and his old t-shirt.
So what is the catch-all solution for seducing your mate? Talk to them. Be honest about what turns you off and on. If he’s trying to seduce you and you aren’t feeling the fires burn, tell him. If she’s trying to show off for you and you just don’t think it’s sexy, let her know what you like to see. Don’t just assume, “she doesn’t get that turned on”, or “he’s just not attracted to me.” Let each other know what you want, and then enjoy each other’s gifts.
To leave you all with a semi-serious joke, when talking about the differences between men and women one woman said, “well, men are visual. They like to see their wife being sexy for them.” The other woman responded, “women like to see that, too. Like when he’s down on all fours all hot and sweaty cleaning under the refrigerator…”
jennijen replied:
this is sooooooooo good! if more men would take the time to find out what gets their wife going, there would be more happy marriages out there. to be fair, most of the things that turn me on take longer than the things that turn him on. maybe that’s where the mosconception comes from. it only takes a split second for him to see me, it takes a few minutes for the right whispering/touching to happen. but we’re still only talking a few minutes….
March 12, 2008 at 2:36 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
I think this is a very good article shush. For women, so much of sex starts in the brain. I guess what men don’t realise is that they can start foreplay way outside the bedroom. Simple things can do so much to start the ball rolling.
When your woman is cooking dinner… come up and brush against her and tell her how sexy she looks as she is doing that.
Compliment her on the way she looks…. even when she isn’t at her best..
Rub her back absent mindedly while watching tv… just to get her relaxed..
Because women tend to multi-task its hard to stop thinking of all of the house work, children, lunches in the morning, the school run, picking up the dry cleaning, and the million other junk jobs we do each day. We have to be reminded that we are women and beautiful and that is the foreplay that our husbands need to remember.
Sex starts in the brain for a woman. How many men remember after many years of marriage to kiss their wives passionately like when they were dating????
How many go out into the garden or stop by a field on the way home and pick some flowers and bring them home just because… to remind her that she is the love of his life.
It doesn’t have to cost money…. it takes effort. A woman responds to be treated well. Start between the ears… then you will get between her legs…
March 12, 2008 at 3:06 pm. Permalink.
hetta replied:
For me, it’s more audio rub-meo kind of thing, you know– oh stop, baddy bad, oh, no no kinda thing. And for my significant other it is similar but more visual, but as I learned, not Victoria’s Secret visual because it reveals too much and leaves not enough to the imagination.
I think you have to experiment in the moment and and do things that suggest what you like and what you don’t like. And I don’t mean in the heat of the moment slappin’ your man across the face and sayin, “Stop that I don’t like it.” Rather, encourage and guide away from what you don’t like to what you like.
I think, for me (not everyone or even most people), having a preliminary conversation about what I like, don’t like kills it for me.
March 12, 2008 at 5:51 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
Can I just add a thought – that women’s fluctuating hormone levels (pre-menopause) have a *lot* to do with this, too. You could, y’know, [i]plan[/i] to take advantage of that, rather than working against it, right?
March 12, 2008 at 6:06 pm. Permalink.
shellakers replied:
[TIG]
March 12, 2008 at 6:13 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
jennijen: Thanks! You’re right, it’s only a difference of minutes. It’s not like he’s expected to put HOURS of work in- just to show his appreciation of your triggers as well as his own!
Amber: I love that thought- make love to the space between her ears and you’ll win access elsewhere!
Hetta: It is about that gentle guidance. I don’t say, “whoa, STOP!” I say, “hey, it drives me crazy when you do X and Z” and he listens. It’s like with a child- you guide towards the good and it leads away from the bad. Positive reinforcement!
e2c: Also a good point. Eventually I’ll get around to writing a post about dealing with the hormonal elements. There are a lot of things one can do (engaging in physical activity, exposure to sunlight, physical touch, stimulating conversation and activities) to correct imbalances that deaden hormone production. Plus, men should be aware of what weeks during the month their wife is less likely/more likely to be feeling vibrant. Oh- and the fact that hormonal birth control can kill the sex drive, so a lot of newlyweds start on BC just to wonder what’s wrong with them when they don’t feel sexy. I’m blabbing. I shall stop.
shellakers: thanks!
March 12, 2008 at 6:21 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
Hmm… I wasn’t thinking about “deadening,” exactly, but the opposite.
March 12, 2008 at 6:26 pm. Permalink.
anita replied:
What a fascinating conversation and good for you for starting it up Shush. I enjoyed reading it all. Kind of like I enjoy reading National Geographic….it takes me places I’m never going to go but I get to see those places through the travels of others
Anita, one of a set of matching crock-pots
March 12, 2008 at 8:29 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
The other thing about analogies like this one is that people often mistake them for the truth… And this one’s a bit absurd (in a comical sense) to begin with.
Perhaps saying that men are like Venetian blinds, but women are like swagged curtains makes about as much sense.
March 12, 2008 at 10:35 pm. Permalink.
jaklumen replied:
See, men are visual creatures- they see, they desire.
This is why I find women sporting holier-than-thou attitudes yowling about men and porn while they secretly read trashy romance novels very, very tiring.
Of course we’re visual. No, I’m not trying to justify the rightness or wrongness of porn, but wish that some of the female persuasion would take a moment to stop hassling us about it.
amberfireinus: For women, so much of sex starts in the brain.
I know this is not the intent of what you are saying, but it reminds me of women that oversimply a statement like that saying “our sexual organs are our brains”, implying that men are stupid when it comes to sex, and that their desire is cognitively powered by the intellect of a troglodyte.
Might as well stamp it down to neuroscience: Women’s brains have been observed to be, on the average, more globally oriented in its function. Men’s brains have been observed to be, on the average, more specialized towards cognitive functions. This is why women generally recover from strokes and the like more easily: the brain architecture is able to adapt a little more quickly.
In other words, for women, cognitive thought may be more global and holistic as a result, and so there are more cognitive factors affecting sexual desire. For men: we are a little better able to compartmentalize and detach somewhat.
But let me assure you, for me, just because I might be able to ignore it, doesn’t mean it ain’t there. And if I’m tired, unwell, etc. the mechanics of it may work as it does, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I enjoy it.
The rest is just pure TMFI so that’s all.
March 13, 2008 at 12:05 am. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
jaklumen – First of all… I happen to enjoy porn! My husband and I enjoy it together. So Im hardly one to hassle anyone about porn.
Men being visual creatures… yeh, thats fine too. Nothing wrong with that. That is the way they are wired. I know plenty of women (including myself) that has a drawer full of absolutely beautiful lingere for my husbands viewing pleasure. He comes home often to me dressed in it (or nothing at all).
Our point is… that we are wired different. A woman has needs too… hello? It works both ways???? A man needs to understand this?
Im not sure what your point is… we were not man bashing. Anyway, I thought I would clear this up for you.
March 13, 2008 at 1:32 am. Permalink.
shush replied:
Anita: I am happy to be your Hetero Geographic! *lol*
e2c: But that analogy is PERFECT! Men hang straight down, and women are needlessly complicated! *lol* (Everyone, I am JOKING! Okay?)
Jaklumen: I find trashy romances just as tiresome as porn, and I know personally that if I watch a very sensual movie it will likely have the same affect for me as porn may for my husband, which is probably why the man indulges me from time to time. I never like oversimplifications- women’s biggest sexual organ is NOT their brain- we’ve got plenty of pleasure spots that are just reactive as men’s primary organs, and to mock the good that comes from them is sad. Men’s brains are sexual organs for them, too. I know plenty a man who developed a longing for a woman off of an intellectual conversation where her breasts or face were a garnish, not the main attraction.
Amber: I don’t really have a specific reply to your comment, just a “bravo!”. Always nice to hear your perspective!
March 13, 2008 at 1:48 am. Permalink.
e2c replied:
“But that analogy is PERFECT! Men hang straight down, and women are needlessly complicated! *lol* (Everyone, I am JOKING! Okay?)”
IKWYM, shush! So many other comparisons suggest themselves (along with interpretations of this one), but I’ll spare you guys!
March 13, 2008 at 2:14 am. Permalink.
Franc replied:
To be honest I came to this post out of curiosity with no expectations of it applying to me as a gay man, but the “give and take,” communication, telling your partner what spots to hit where, is universal.
I have been with Russ 19 years and I can’t EVEN tell you how your post is so on the spot.
March 13, 2008 at 3:05 am. Permalink.
Franc replied:
The crock pot/microwave thing is just plain wierd and confirms what I think about hets, It’s all about food.
March 13, 2008 at 3:14 am. Permalink.
Franc replied:
…somehow.
March 13, 2008 at 3:25 am. Permalink.
jaklumen replied:
@amberfireinus:
Yeah, I wasn’t complaining about anyone in particular here at all. I’m speaking of other experiences I’ve had, and some really have said or done those things. So far, I don’t think anyone here has, though.
It is a very good point, and a good reminder that women have needs… I like to pamper Cimmy sometimes, do whatever I need to do to treat her right and know she’s appreciated. She has been most gracious and has done the same for me.
I don’t have a WordPress blog, so… granted, I can’t immediately demonstrate such. But… there is evidence at VOX
March 14, 2008 at 3:45 am. Permalink.
Jeff replied:
I left you a comment on Vox.
March 14, 2008 at 6:41 am. Permalink.
shush replied:
Franc: Hm. I’m sure food has SOMETHING to do with it. It always comes back to the primal drives, which are weirdly interconnected. (You know, possess, eat, dominate, eat, fight, eat… have shelter. Eat.)
e2c: *lol* We could go on for days, if we didn’t have better things to do!
Jeff: Thanks for reading and for the comment!
March 14, 2008 at 12:05 pm. Permalink.
Wendy replied:
Great article! Enjoyed the read! As an aside… I know that women are _also_ visually stimulated! Yehaw!
I have often joked that it is something ‘hairy fat men’ made up to say “oh, women aren’t visually stimulated” so they wouldn’t feel bad for “letting themselves go.”
March 14, 2008 at 11:12 pm. Permalink.
The Christian Ranter replied:
This is a far more complicated subject than comparing Crockpots to Microwaves. First of all, there are many emotional, hormonal, childhood background etc. variables that it’s impossible to create a formula for success that suits everyone.
I read Lehman’s book Sex Begins in the Kitchen. The only thing it got me was more dishes to do and my wife pointing out that I missed a spot in the corner.
What helps though is Chapman’s book about the 5 love languages that can clue you in on what turns your spouses head. For me it is acts of service. I want my wife to be thrilled that I clean the house, but that’s not her language so I don’t hear anything.
For her it is words of affirmation. I struggle in letting her know regularly that I love and appreciate her.
So as you can see, connecting with someone whose language is different from yours can cause problems in the bedroom
March 15, 2008 at 6:42 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Wendy: *lol*
Christian Ranter: Chapman’s book is definitely a worthy investment. The truth is that NO two people are alike, men or women, and you have to find a way to communicate with your spouse. I’ve seen many a man ask a female friend advice on relating to his spouse, only to have the spouse and the friend end up being exact opposites. Communication, communication, and oh, what that thing? Ah, yes, communication!
March 22, 2008 at 3:38 pm. Permalink.