I get irritated, at times, with the idea that faith is necessarily blind.  While there is rarely certainty in life, that doesn’t mean that things are always undefinable.  Some things, like faith, can be inspired not by a simple hope that there is more to life but by a knowledge that life must have depth, and while that depth is undefined I believe that it’s existence can be known with certainty.

To put it in clearer terms: I do not simply have “faith” that God exists, I believe I know this with absolute surety.  My faith in God comes not from a dewy-eyed hope that there is more to life but from an absolute conviction that I would not be here, alive, breathing and sane, without the existence of a higher power.  While my experiences could never be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to anyone else, they HAVE proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to me myself that God is real.

I won’t go into details.  Some things are simply too personal to be aired in a public forum.  And I am fairly certain that those who tend to agree with me would do so without details, and those who tend to disagree would do so no matter how detailed I became.  After all, I could say, “God spoke to me”, and one might ask, “with a real voice?”.  If I responded, “it was real enough for me,” they might ask, “could anyone else have heard it?”  If I responded, “there was no one else to hear,” then the obvious interjection would be, “then how does one know it to truly be real?”

No one but me does.

I don’t care.

I know it to be real, because I know myself and I know my life, and my life proves to me that there is a God.  Even if that God is one of my own invention, the faith that I have in him has made me kind and generous, tolerant and brave, loving and good.  The faith, even if it is stupid, has helped to mold me into something I certainly never would have become without it.  I take great offense at the implication that such faith is stupid, because how is faith, borne of experience, faith that pushes and convicts and explains and changes, a bad thing?  I don’t ask that anyone else share my faith, because my faith is deeply personal and none could fully share it without sharing my life and my soul, all I ask is that they understand that the faith cannot be separated from the girl, and to mock my faith is to mock my very existence, my deeds and my heart as well as my beliefs.

This week is a holy week, and one that births in me thoughts of my own suffering and temperance, and thoughts of how close and how far I am from the faith and life I feel God wishes to give me.

I think today is as good a day as any, perhaps a better day, to consider the quality of faith and life this year should inspire.

I want my faith to be a sighted and focused one.  I don’t want to stumble in the dark towards an unknown goal.  I have a goal: to be Christ’s bride.  That goal also dictates the path of my life.  For like a bride preparing for her groom, thoughts of how best to please should encompass my every thought, I should wait for his word and touch with bated breath and feel that I would die without him.

And I do- I feel that I would die without him.

Perhaps that is stupid.

I don’t care.