More than just waiting
I feel really conflicted about abstinence only sex education. I feel like young people, especially girls, should be educated about how best to protect their bodies and prevent unwanted pregnancy. But I also realize the risks involved with sex and the fact that the only guarantee you won’t have a little seven pound “mistake” nine months later is abstinence. After all- I myself conceived one child while on the pill and another through a diaphragm. Those little nagging “.01″ percents do exist!
The biggest reason I dislike abstinence only education is that it does a disservice to all of the people out there who chose to abstain out of more than fear. I believe that teaching abstinence is best is a good thing, but to cheapen sex itself and to make a mockery out of the choices kids should make is a bad thing. By making it about fear, fear of pregnancy, fear of disease, misinformation in the name of safety… that’s just wrong. Kids shouldn’t make choices out of fear, and I truly believe that given all the right information in a supportive environment, most kids actually do have the ability to make good choices.
There are better reasons to wait to have sex than just fear. For one, there’s the fact that there is a very clear line between virginity and sexuality. Once sexuality is awoken, one can’t go back and see the world through virgin eyes. I won’t go all Victorian on you and talk about the knowledge of the flesh, but there is a clear difference. I can remember what it was like, to wonder about sex, to wonder about touching, to wonder how certain things would feel, what it would be like to be desired, all of those things. Now that wonder is gone, and while I don’t miss it, I do think that I made the right choice by waiting for my husband. There’s also the fact that since I did make the choice I did, I have no memory of being with someone else. My sexuality, in a very real way, belongs to my spouse. He is the only man to see my adult body totally nude. He is the only one who knows where to touch and what to say. Our marriage bed is truly secret.
I don’t feel naive or somehow deprived, when I say that. I feel proud. I feel like I have managed something really miraculous, in preserving some of the old ways in my own life. There is this feeling of sacredness and divinity that is so lost in our culture, in our world, and to be able to keep even a touch of it alive is so worthwhile.
To have sex with someone is to grant them access to your body. That is not something that should ever be done lightly. To have sex with someone is also to bond to them, in a way, because the body will form an appetite in a very real way. Hormones play a game of catch and release, and once your body learns to desire it won’t stop doing so. In a marriage it’s a good thing, because sexual appetite can keep two people together through the times when anger and obligation blind them to their love- but outside of a marriage it becomes testier. What happens when you break up, but your body keeps craving? Do you throw yourself into another relationship just to have sex? Learn to settle for something less than, just to not crave?
Wait for what is best, my mother would say, don’t just settle for what you can reach.
I agree.
littletiger replied:
Hey Shush - I couldn’t agree with you more - abstaining needs to be more than about fear - that’s one regret I still have - I didn’t abstain before my marriage and it does tear you apart spiritually in so many ways. I plan on teaching my kids about sex and abstinence and not leaving it up to the schools to do it. I want to help them not make the same mistakes that I made.
April 8, 2008 at 1:10 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Wow, I agree and disagree with you but believe in personal choice.
I love the whole concept of the marriage bed being sacred, etc. I get it.
However, there are alot of realities to sex that doesn’t really work for. I ended up being married to a man that I was totally sexually incompatible with. He was a missionary with the lights out kind of guy. That drove me nuts!!!!! No amount of communication would fix this issue. We were built differently regarding sex. I became so unhappy that it bled into my self esteems core.
Sex is such an important part of your marriage. Its an important part of your life. The bonding to your mate is indeed sacred.
However…. Not all of us are built that way. I am strange for a woman. To me, sex does not equal love. Sex is merely an expression of physical self. Now sex combined with love is a whole different thing. Its like the difference of a bowl of vanilla ice cream and a banana split! Both are great… but the banana split is that much better.
I have spoken to alot of people who have waited. Later on in life they feel that they missed out on other partners. They get restless. Some actually have affairs to make up for lost time.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong for anyone.
April 8, 2008 at 3:15 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
littletiger: thanks!
Amber: What is true for me isn’t going to be true for everyone, and I know that. My emotions are pretty deeply tied in to who I am. Some women choose to live a different kind of life, or treat their sexuality in a different way, and I would never judge them for their choice. But it’s different for a woman who is old enough to understand her body and her responsibilities- and I don’t think that children being taught “just don’t have sex” is really a wise thing. They should be taught that with sex comes responsibilities, that with sex comes both blessings and dangers, and to make educated and reasonable choices about what they want from the rest of their lives and whether or not sex now will affect it, be it marriage or careers or children or whatever.
April 8, 2008 at 4:25 pm. Permalink.
Tony replied:
I’ve got to side with Amber on this one. It seems like everyone takes sex too seriously, and that’s the big problem. Think about it, what’s a kid to think when you tell them that it’s this beautiful sacred thing that opens up world to you and how you can never give it back… but it’s bad, you shouldn’t do it. What’s a kid gonna do? Seriously?
In my experience kids that are told not to have sex either rush right in to find out what the big deal is without understanding the true consequences… or they take their first marginally serious dating relationship and rush into a marriage so they can have sex without understanding their partner or the consequences of marriage. Neither seems to be a good thing to me.
Of course the opposite is likely worse, but I honestly a balance is the best approach. If kid’s are aware the physical and emotional consequences from actual candid discussion, and the topic isn’t taboo and secret and precious then I believe they’ll be better equipped to make the decision.
This whole sex is best saved for marriage seems to ring similar to the idea that only religions can guide people on a right moral path. In that I mean that it seems like they’re both extreme crutches to make sure that basic ethics are observed. Sex should be taught to be done only when there is honest mutual respect between partners, but many circumvent this simple guideline to make a much more stringent and extreme requirement which is “marriage first”!
I don’t mean to make a mockery of your life or the way you chose to live it, but I honestly believe that when you teach a young person that abstinence is the healthiest approach to sex the odds are stacked against them that this will yield a healthy sexual life later on.
April 8, 2008 at 4:48 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Tony, Tony, Tony… You know me better than all of that. I made the decision I made, because it was the right one for me. I would never expect someone who didn’t believe the same things about God our themselves to make the same choice- why would they? And I plan on being very open with my kids about why I made the choice I did and why they should be intelligent about their own choices. Especially my daughter, as my mother got pregnant if she even thought about babies and I’ve proven to be the same way. There ARE responsibilities that come with sex, it IS serious. Period. I also don’t believe in simply making that statement and slamming the book on the discussion. Girls need to know that hormonal birth control can have side effects, that diaphragms need to be changed regularly, that condoms have to fit properly, how to administer contraceptive gel, etc. If they realize the amount of self-educating and real responsibility that sex involves they’ll likely wait until they are capable of handling it. It’s when they falsely believe that adults say that to scare them that gets them into trouble. The problem with abstinence only education is that it doesn’t fully teach them why abstaining is a valid choice.
April 8, 2008 at 4:55 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
This is what I teach my 13 year old niece, as well as other young girls who have asked me about sex. I teach both thought processes so that they can choose for themselves.
I explain it to them. Women are built mostly to bond with a man they have sex with. To attach emotional feelings along with that sex. So to them usually sex = at least relationship if not love. Men are built differently. To them, sex is simply a physical statement of attraction. No more, no less for the most part.
If you are going to choose to have sex outside of marriage or outside of a committed relationship, then you need to understand the rules. Don’t expect a phone call the next day. It probably won’t come. Don’t expect there to be some big love affair or relationship. That is not realistic. If you are there to enjoy the sex for sex sake and you can handle it mentally … well thats fine. Take care of your body. He uses a condom as respect to himself and to you. You also use the pill to further protect yourself. That should eliminate any mistakes.
Sex is something that is a choice of an adult. If you are not willing to accept the consequences of your actions you should not be willing to do it at all.
If you will feel in any way that after sex you will feel ashamed, you should NEVER ever do it. Sex is meant to be joyous. You should never allow anyone to talk you into it. The decision is yours alone and should be well thought out.
Abstainance has its beauties and its pitfalls. The beauty of discovering your sexuality with your husband together has to be wonderful. It can also be akward and unfullfilling if neither one of you knows what you are doing, and you dont have good communication on the subject.
Your body is a temple that you give as a gift. If you give it too often, how prized will that gift be?
Sex is a beautiful Gift from God. Free will allows us to use this gift as we wish. But it does not come without its strings..
April 8, 2008 at 5:12 pm. Permalink.
PolitiPornster replied:
My attitude towards the subject is closer to Amber’s. There are many positions you can take on the abstinence debate. So folks it works, and others not so much. I’ve had friends who abstained, or at least said they did, and it seemed to me that they were not very well adjusted adults. There was something missing. Sorry I can’t explain it any better. Sometimes you just know someone who you wish would just get laid.
OH, Shush what’s with bragging about the fertility? (Just kidding).
April 8, 2008 at 5:22 pm. Permalink.
Tony replied:
Shush, I know you’re the pro parent that I hope to emulate in may respects someday… part of the long rant is just my frustrations on the topic. I’ve lived with the same girl for 6 years, we love each other, we’re committed, we’ve seen the highs and lows of our relationship but Marriage seems to be such a big step… ultimately it will change very little but why push the issue? Marriage to me seems a far bigger step with far more pitfalls than some responsible sex would ever be… but that’s just me. I don’t know why I’m so phobic of marriage, I think it’s that I see so many marriages fail and it really ruins lives, usually both parents and their children’s. It heinously sunders emotions and finances and I don’t ever want it to happen to me.
April 8, 2008 at 6:24 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Tony - Marriage doesn’t ruin lives… people do with their poor choices and lack of communication and need for instant gratification.
April 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
It seems like everyone takes sex too seriously, and that’s the big problem.
What shush said!
what’s a kid to think when you tell them that it’s this beautiful sacred thing that opens up world to you and how you can never give it back… but it’s bad, you shouldn’t do it.
but… well, what shush said, again.
April 8, 2008 at 6:42 pm. Permalink.
DKN replied:
“Marriage doesn’t ruin lives… people do with their poor choices and lack of communication and need for instant gratification.”
Amen Amber!!!
Shush, good post. And abstinence only sex education isn’t EDUCATION at all, it’s moral guidance, at best, which has no place in a country where no one shares the same morals.
I find this to be a unique perspective:
“For one, there’s the fact that there is a very clear line between virginity and sexuality. Once sexuality is awoken, one can’t go back and see the world through virgin eyes.”
That is a very interesting point and I’d like to expand on that a little. Overall, I think for most people, sexuality isn’t just about the act of sex itself. The sexual awakening happens well before one has sex, I would argue. It’s true you can’t take back your virginity once you’ve lost it…but losing your virginity is actually such a small part of our sexuality and our sexual experience as a whole, even with the ritual need to abstain until marriage attached. I don’t believe I’m alone in saying that I had “non-virgin” eyes well before I actually had sex. To me, this extremely broad concept of human sexuality is why comprehensive sex education is a must. If we limit the teenage perspective by telling them that “sex education” surrounds only the CHOICE of whether or not to “do it”, then we are denying them the right to understand and learn more about ALL of their sexual feelings and functions - and these are feelings and functions that can start at a very young age. I agree guidance is key in sex ed, we do need to help our teenagers with making difficult decisions and to stay “safe” by making smart choices. And you are right that educating based on fear does not work, and I would add, further fuels the myth that sex is wrong and/or dirty.
Again, good post!
April 8, 2008 at 7:51 pm. Permalink.
e2c replied:
Sex is something that is a choice of an adult. If you are not willing to accept the consequences of your actions you should not be willing to do it at all.
If you will feel in any way that after sex you will feel ashamed, you should NEVER ever do it. Sex is meant to be joyous. You should never allow anyone to talk you into it. The decision is yours alone and should be well thought out.
Preach it, sister!
Love your comments on marriage (ad more), too.
April 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm. Permalink.
More Than Just Waiting | Worth the Wait replied:
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April 8, 2008 at 10:48 pm. Permalink.
anita replied:
Shush, just me over here in the corner nodding in agreement once again. I’m not much into using fear as a preventive motivator as a general principle. Unless of course you’re talking about such obviously spot-on applications as “Don’t make that face or it could freeze like that” and “If you kids keep playing like that someone is going to get hurt.”
As reflected in the comments, there’s a wide range of meaning we people put onto sex. From some, like myself, sex is always linked to love, for others, not so much. I think it’s important to recognize and appreciate that the same is true for youth. If that’s the case and we want to encourage them to abstain we need to provide them with the benefits for waiting whether they see it as sex-love or as sex-physical.
I suppose the complexity of all this is why I’m glad my ministry with children has always been limited to preschool through kindergarten age where the biggest concern is “Do we get a snack?”
April 9, 2008 at 2:26 am. Permalink.
goldnsilver replied:
[i]There’s also the fact that since I did make the choice I did, I have no memory of being with someone else. My sexuality, in a very real way, belongs to my spouse. He is the only man to see my adult body totally nude. He is the only one who knows where to touch and what to say. Our marriage bed is truly secret.[/i]
This particular section struck a cord with me.
I have been together with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and we were both virgins before we met each other.
Though obviously we did not wait for marriage, I always feel thankful that we are each others ‘firsts’. It creates a special bond between us, we have a part of each other than we can never give to anyone else. There is something simple and pure about our relationship - we have no past, nothing to worry about. No other hands have touched him or I. Its wonderful.
I do hope to stay with him and I have no qualms over the idea of only having sex with one person in my life.
April 11, 2008 at 2:45 am. Permalink.
shush replied:
Anita: Thank you!
goldnsilver: It’s really beautiful to have that feeling of specialness in a relationship. I hope the two of you can remain together, as well.
April 11, 2008 at 3:06 pm. Permalink.