Fantasy: is it sin?
No, I’m not talking about fantasy in a sci-fi/fantasy sense- I’m talking sex.
Is it wrong to fantasize? Many women will admit to fantasies of being held, talked to, emotionally stimulated in some way. They will admit that sometimes they dream about people they’ve met in passing. Not necessarily always in a strictly sexual sense, sometimes it’s just about companionship.
But if we are Christian a question remains: is it sin?
Psychologically speaking fantasy is a “safe” way in which to engage in behaviors deemed “unsafe” in reality. One knows one would pay a price for arguing with one’s mother, so one fantasizes. One knows one isn’t ever going to date Edward Norton, so one fantasizes. Fantasy can also be an exercise for certain things one is unsure of- and in this sense women have much more active fantasy lives then men. Women tend to fantasize about the course of the day, how to interact with a boss, what to make for dinner. Women tend to think about these things to a much greater extent than men. It’s not a wonder we’re often seen as a “mystery” seeing as we spend such a large amount of time in our heads. (And yes- I realize this is a gross generalization. Some men operate this way and some women simply don’t.)
Yet, the question remains: when it comes to sex, is it a sin?
Ask yourself a few questions:
- Do you ever replace real interaction, necessary interaction, with fantasy? Are there times where you know you need to discuss something, and yet you don’t? Where the anger/disatisfaction/desire you are feeling causes a rift in your relationship, and yet you continue to exorcise it with fantasy instead of interaction?
- Do you find yourself unattracted to your mate and only stimulated by fantasy? This is a major problem- and in this way fantasy can be as dangerous as pornography.
- Does your fantasy life take you out of your daily life to the point that it’s an obstruction? You know the kids staring out of the window instead of listening in class? Is this you in your job? Your marriage?
Do you throw yourself into romance novels? Soap operas? Do you find yourself hurting and longing for something that you only achieve in fantasy? While in small doses an argument can be made for the safeness and even health of fantasy, there’s a time when you need to embrace and appreciate reality.
Not to mention communication, communication, communication- perhaps if you tell your spouse that you fantasize about being spoken to in a certain way, held in a certain way, approached in a certain way, you’ll find that his eager to behave this way himself and fulfill you.
But- is it sin? In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Where is your heart? Is it with your spouse, your life? Or have you given it to something unattainable, something that is only in your head?
Martha’s Problem
Luke 10: 38-42
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
This passage is usually related in a single context. That is, a call to stop being distracted by the things of house and home (or work) and take time to sit at Jesus’ feet. It can be a confusing teaching, because Jesus isn’t really here with us and his feet aren’t right there- so what should be do? Well, we are told, pay attention to teachings, read your Bible, fellowship with the believers instead of worrying about what to have for dinner.
As a woman I’ve always been irritated by this- especially when I was living in Mexico and the men would regularly nag their wives for being “Marthas” when they were trying to get the food out. It felt to me like disrespect, because the women have their own way of fellowshipping and serving God and they did it by serving their men.
The truth is, Marthas- in one sense- are necessary. We need people who think about things like what we’ll eat and if the table will be clean. So what, exactly, was Martha’s problem?
Let’s take a closer look at what Jesus said. “You worry about many things, but one thing is needed.”
Doesn’t it seem like he really is trying to help her? He’s acknowledging the frustration and pain she’s feeling, he’s inviting her to join in the fellowship. He’s not coarsely reprimanding her and saying that Mary is better, he’s simply saying that Mary chose something better by allowing herself to be ministered to. Martha’s problem is the hardness of her heart.
Think about it more. Martha invited Jesus and the disciples into her home. She took upon herself the burden of meeting their needs. She did not have to make that choice. Why did she do it? Did she want to hear the teachings, or did she want the status that (in that society) came from being a hostess? Was she seeking some sort of fulfilment? And if so, did she feel that her sister was somehow harming her by not helping her to put on the kind of show she wanted?
Perhaps Martha’s problem was selfishness, and that is why Jesus responded that Mary’s good choice would not be taken from her. He wouldn’t allow Martha selfishness.
In any case, I don’t think that Martha’s problem was wanting everyone to have food. No, Martha’s problem was somewhere in her heart.
