I hope that some of the folks from your local church (or maybe other churches in your area) can come alongside you and endure this with you. That is such an important thing; to bear one another’s burdens. (I can’t help wondering if maybe some of the people from your church wish they knew what to say to you – as in, they wish they could take the pain away, but… words so often are inadequate in times of grief. Hugs work pretty well, though.)

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is that, after a certain point, there’s no obvious support from people – the cards and calls stop coming, and people just assume that you’re getting on with your life. Well, we all have to do that, but grieving is a process and it doesn’t resolve itself according to anyone’s schedule (except, perhaps, God’s, but I don’t think he’s in the schedule-keeping business).

Is there perhaps a grief support group in your area that you could join? There’s one in my neck of the woods for parents who’ve lost children (of any age). I’d definitely encourage you to check, because you can be just as much of a support for others who are dealing with grief as they can be for you.

Take care, OK?

A lot of people see love as care. You know, mother-love. The kisses to wash away scraped knees, the food, the affection, the baths and wiping bottoms. They forget about father-love. The teaching, the conviction, the accountability, the sometimes harsh training for readiness in the world.

The church takes on the responsibility of a parent when it comes to shepherding believers. After all, didn’t Timothy refer to his fathers and mothers in faith? I’m sure he wasn’t simply speaking of those who “gave birth” to his faith but those who tended to it as well.

I am very sorry that your local body has fallen short of discipling you as they should, and I hope you find your way out of this bleak spot in your life. Your cynicism is understandable. Your daughter lost her husband to a war, first when she was pregnant and then permanently after having her child. That is such an unspeakable tragedy. I will certainly google him.

I guess you can tell by my posts that I am a bit of a cynic. I haven’t always been that way and it has been such a gradual transition from “glass half full” to “not only is the glass half empty but it’s dirty too”.

Honestly, I think it began before Buddy’s death in Afghanistan. I remember talking to him about volunteering to go back. Telling him “don’t you understand people will be shooting at you?” (he was an Army medic) But he felt called to help the Afghani people.

I want to make sure you hear me clearly. I (personally) have made every decision on my own, taken ever action I’ve taken, I’ve made every corse remark I’ve made. No one made me say the things I’ve said. I have gradually changed into a person that even I don’t want to be around.

Now, here is where I think this fits under this heading. Me and my family can not affirm our local church enough. In that in those early days of Buddyd being killed in action they swooped in around us and just took control. Our pastor was at our home within ten minutes of receiving the call from me that night. Even had one of our Elders show up too. All of our tangible needs were met. The outpouring of love from them was just almost overwhelming.

Why then, did not my brothers and sisters not hold me accountable for becoming so criticle… of everything. Not just circumstances surrounding Buddy’s death but everything! I mean I can see the plank in all things. Now, if my pastor or someone I have a relationship with or have respect for says to me “M54, you may want to consider taking a look at this area.” I would do it. As a matter of fact I have asked three individuals to do exactly that!

Since I too am a veteran I am entitled to VA benefits and I have been meeting with a couonselor since about a month after Buddy was killed (March 07). She is a believer and we talk about Biblical approaches. Mostly though, we’ve been dealing with the anger aspect. I am nieve (sp) enough to think that with the meds and some behavior modification things I pretty much have a handle on the anger thing. But looking back at my conduct over these past months…..

I guess what I am realy saying is, I appreciate the casseroles and the hugs they were certainly helpful. But why did they stop loving me?

Finally, and don’t feel obligated, if you want to see a glimpse of our Buddy GOOGLE (Sgt. Buddy James Hughie). That MySpace video makes me cry every time I watch it.

Thanks for enduring me.
M54

That was so beautiful. Very well written.

First thing I would like to point out is “by rumor you learn”. Rumors are “back-biting” and “gossip”. I think it is in the book of James. Very bad. Those of us who profess to be followers of the Christ should be ever vigilant about, especially when it is under the guise of “did you hear about sister/brother so-n-so? He/she is doing this and that. We realy need to pray for them.”

NO ONE should be talking about a person when they show up at a local church. Instead, try to get their name and put their name on the church’s prayer list (if you can get the family’s names all the better). Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in these prayers. Going along with your “garden” scenario you may consider this “putting a spiritual fence around her.”

Make sure this new attender feels the love that exists in the local church. Women should hug her neck and introduce themself and let her know how nice it is to see her. The more this happens (week after week) her gard will begin to fall and be more open to developing relationships.

“Is she professing to have faith and to be committed, but is in all ways the same as the day you met her?” I believe this to be a failure of the church and not the attender. Faith is a verb, you have to use your faith. You don’t lock your faith in the closet and pull it out when you need that house payment! The God of the Universe is a good and faithful God. Point out areas you have observed in her life where God has been faithful. After all didn’t God guide her to your church? What do you suppose His purpose was for doing that?

Most people don’t like to be judged and most people don’t like to be told they are falling short. However, by now someone in the church should have a RELATIONSHIP with this young lady. This is the person that should first approach her about her (perceived) short comings. Just be careful of the “plank/splinter” theology.