Romantic, Physical, Emotional: Attraction
This will be my final post on the subject for a little while, I think. I’ve already laid the basis for this post, explaining a little of my own journey and some observational “wisdom” if one can call it such. Now I’d like to try to lay things out very, very clearly.
I’ve witnessed three kinds of attraction: Romantic, Physical, and Emotional. One might be drawn to someone out of simply one of these, or all three. Some people seem to gravitate towards one kind of attraction and operate off of it alone. And let me be clear: I’ve seen women who only care about physical attraction and men who only care about emotional- so it isn’t as set in stone as one might think. While men do appear, as a whole, to have a much stronger physical pull and women are stereotyped as being romantics, I think that all people operate off of a combination of degrees of all three.
Ask someone, anyone- male or female, gay or straight- what their ideal relationship is, and they will likely offer examples of shared interests, shared dreams, shared experiences, shared family, shared anything. The point being that we all want to be able to share our lives with someone else, and to do so uninhibited.
Why, you may ask, am I belaboring this point? Because recently I had an experience where someone kept talking about homosexuality and how sexual it was. They literally emphasized the “s-e-x” as if that were somehow the most significant thing in the world.
I was a bit put off.
Because all of us share experiences. I can remember as a young girl, doing the common role-play of “mommy and daddy” with a neighborhood boy, play holding his hand and play kissing his cheek and pretending to have the kind of relationship my parents shared. And one day, while talking to a gay friend of mine, I discovered that he had not had that experience. Why? Because he’d never had any interest in gender-stereotype role-playing, not even as a very small child. And the fact that he’d never had any emotional interest in girls had always made him feel marginalized and different. He’d felt like a freak.
And it breaks my heart, because so many people don’t realize the pain and confusion that can come from not only a lack of physical attraction to people of the opposite gender, but from a lack of emotional and romantic interest as well. A lot of people seem to believe that the physical aspect of attraction is the only way in which gay people are different from straight ones. They seem to think that people can simply overlook their lack of physical attraction and engage with people of the opposite gender on a romantic and emotional level- and it simply isn’t there.
There is a fundamental difference.
So again, I will call to Christians to think about these issues of sexuality not in legalistic terms, but with compassion. Think about the many different ways in which our sexuality influences us, from the womb to our death, and be opened up for a real discussion.
We all have a lot to learn from each other.
Stephanie replied:
Very well said Lindsey.
Yes, we do have a lot to learn from each other. I wish we were all open to do just that.
Hey,how are you feeling?
June 5, 2008 at 4:41 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Beautifully said!
June 5, 2008 at 4:45 pm. Permalink.
M54 replied:
I fear I may anger many of your readers. So I will not post what you are clearly wanting to see.
Lindsay, can you help me out? Point me to some of your older writings so I can better understand how you landed where you (currently) are regarding this… if you’ve a mind too, I mean. Certainly you are under no obligation to explain yourself to me. Just confused.
I have had some formal (Hebrew/Greek) teaching (not just on this subject but all encompassing the Bible) and much more informal and personal study.
Truely my heart aches as I write this. I know some will be angered but I must write (I would like to hope, like Stephen, I would “speak” in spite of my own peril). I as you believe in the love of the Savior.
Can we both be correct?
Unfortunately (or not based on your view) I will be out of town for several days.
Keep in mind I have been intentional in not calling names or out right unsulting indivuduals. I have done my best to be respectful and polite. I know this very sensative.
Running the race
M54
June 5, 2008 at 5:01 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Stephanie: I’m very well, thank you!
Amber: Thanks!
M54: I’m not “looking” to hear anything, honestly. I want to know what people think. And note that I didn’t say that Homosexuality is not a sin, I never really say that. I say that it is a state of being that one does not choose, that it is not a purely sexual drive, and that we need to talk to and understand homosexuals if we ever want to have any hope of ministering to them. The truth is that Christians treat homosexuals differently than they do other members of the congregation (to the point of it being very, very difficult for homosexuals to find a church to attend) and this attitude is making it very near impossible for the church as a whole to have a healthy ministry towards gay people.
We have sympathy for alcoholics, we have sympathy towards men who are addicted to porn, we have sympathy towards people who deal with intense anger or depression. We hold the hands of these people- but yet we ostracize homosexuals? How does this make sense? I’m not saying homosexuality is less or more than any of those other things, despite the fact that gays find such comparisons distasteful (sorry guys!) I’m simply saying that we must be evenhanded and compassionate when addressing ALL issues of holiness.
Here are a few older posts on the subject:
The Church and Homosexuals: A look at an experience I had with a gay kid while I was a youth pastor
Cart first- horse second?: A look at the need to disciple before offering conviction
What if I were gay?: The story of a friend of mine confessing she was a lesbian and was attracted to me, and an imaginary journey through my life had I requited her affections.
Hope those help, and I hope you have a nice time while you’re out of town!
June 5, 2008 at 5:14 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Oh man. I’ll just say this: I never really wanted to do the “mommy-daddy role play” thing as a child, and I had absolutely no affinity for dolls that looked like babies or toddlers. I had no real desire to have kids until I was in my 30s, when my biological clock blew up.
But I like guys.
Weird, or part of the “normal” continuum? I think the latter, but some people in my early life thught the former.
This subject is far broader than same-sex attraction, I think.
June 5, 2008 at 6:21 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Can we also just admit to the fact that “attraction” can be based on shared affinities and not have anything to do with romance or sex?
If I meet someone else who is enthusiastic about playing certain kinds of music and who loves African dance (or certain books, or…), I tend to like them. It has nothing to do with sex or romance. And said persons can be any age, any sex, of any orientation.
June 5, 2008 at 6:36 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
e2c: Good points! I think that the continuum allows for a myriad of variations. Some women simply aren’t fond of babies. In fact, I’ve known women who were very heterosexual and very feminine and still weren’t the least bit fond of children under five. Not all women like to keep house, some men love to keep house… we’re all still human.
And attraction IS far more complex than romantic pairings. Very true!
June 5, 2008 at 6:42 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
It just makes me crazy when people start demanding that others conform to their stereotypical ideas about all kinds of things.
Oh, and when attractions of any kind are reduced to sex.
And when sex is somehow viewed as the prime motivator for all relationships between adults who are unrelated.
and so on.
June 5, 2008 at 6:45 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
I get it, I do. That’s why I’m trying to really bring home the point that our need to share lives with another person is not about sex or physical attraction. I know people who have very fulfilling relationships with friends and feel no need for sex or romance.
And that can be totally normal.
And as a side note, I think we need to get past such staid definitions of “normal” since by normal people mean “average”, and how BORING would life be if everyone were average?
June 5, 2008 at 6:48 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Of course, the corollary to conforming to stereotypical behavior is that those who don’t are somehow weird, wrong, damaged… whatever.
Or effeminate, or too masculine, or…
Back in the day (when “effeminate” first was widely used), it referred to men who had a distinct weakness for the opposite se – more than seemly attraction, so to speak.
To paraphrase Shakespeare, Lord, what fools we mortals be!
June 5, 2008 at 6:48 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
I kow you get it.
I’m just ranting. Because I’ve run into a lot of this stereotype stuff (about all kinds of people) in the churches I’ve attended, and I’m sick and tired of it. (Especially as applied to me.
)
June 5, 2008 at 6:50 pm. Permalink.
vitaminbook replied:
Good points. People have a tendency to reduce ‘homosexuality’ to ‘men having anal sex with other men’, then pretend that a man not having anal sex with another man instantly makes him ‘not gay’.
I think it’s time we awknowledged the fact that there’s no such thing as a clear heterosexual/homosexual dichotomoy – I suspect that almost everyone has at least a little bit of both in them, even if it’s very subtle.
June 6, 2008 at 12:03 am. Permalink.
Vanessa replied:
Lindsey: Interesting dialogue on this issue. In my experience, where those that I have met get most uncomfortable in discussing LGBT issues, or the fact that I am a lesbian, is when they believe that the focus has to be on the sexual aspect. There is so, so much more to us than that. However, that being said, the sexuality is part of it, but just that, only part of it. There are spiritual attractions, psychic attractions, heart attractions, so many other ways that I connect my partner that are beyond sexual. That is what true love is all about, IMHO. Thanks for your thoughts, peace, Vanessa
June 6, 2008 at 2:33 am. Permalink.
ybtolerant replied:
Wow. I agree with what you’ve said. Attractions comes in many forms, and the way homosexuality has become evident I agree with your mention of how attraction or lack of plays an important role in those who are homosexual. There are so many views and it is very nice to read how respectful you are – and how many people are willing to share their opinions on such strong matters with you.
Recently a new song came out “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry… notice how it says I kissed her, I liked it, it was an experience … it doesn’t say she made love, or is gay or that she will do it again. I personally don’t care much, because I can dance to it and sing it without feeling guilty or feel like I’m degrading my gender. It’s not spreading homosexuality and if someone finds it offensive; then change the radio station. Confusion happens so much in everyone’s life and some have to try things out. I have to ask – what do you think about the song?
What you have to say here:
[ I say that it is a state of being that one does not choose, that it is not a purely sexual drive, and that we need to talk to and understand homosexuals if we ever want to have any hope of ministering to them. The truth is that Christians treat homosexuals differently than they do other members of the congregation (to the point of it being very, very difficult for homosexuals to find a church to attend) and this attitude is making it very near impossible for the church as a whole to have a healthy ministry towards gay people. We have sympathy for alcoholics, we have sympathy towards men who are addicted to porn, we have sympathy towards people who deal with intense anger or depression. We hold the hands of these people- but yet we ostracize homosexuals? How does this make sense? I’m not saying homosexuality is less or more than any of those other things, despite the fact that gays find such comparisons distasteful (sorry guys!) I’m simply saying that we must be evenhanded and compassionate when addressing ALL issues of holiness. ] — is absolutely perfect. I agree with so much of what you have to say – if this is your last post, you ended it well.
I will put you on my blog roll if you don’t mind because I like reading what you have to say, and that way I can check back to your blog every now and then.
June 6, 2008 at 7:43 pm. Permalink.
ybtolerant replied:
Oh – by the way – thanks for the insight – I have some gay friends, and I can understand them a bit more now too –
- Amber – YBTolerant
June 6, 2008 at 7:45 pm. Permalink.
wep601 replied:
It IS interesting how much “sex” is emphasized when talking about “homoSEXuality.” If everyone emphasized it as much as they do when analyzing same sex relationships… WHEW! I can only imagine! I remember when talking with my son and how his father likes to “condemn” his mom for being a lesbian… with SPECIFIC things his father surmises I am doing “sexually”–my son and I saw the discrepancy in how his father did not make it a point to outline what he and his wife did sexually. OK. I may be rambling…
but I appreciate your writings.
Wendy
June 6, 2008 at 8:26 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
vitaminbook: salient point. Thank you!
Vanessa: I don’t think we could ever fully divorce the discussion from sexuality- after all, sexuality is important part of who we are. But it’s certainly not the ONLY part.
June 6, 2008 at 9:42 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
ybtolerant: Welcome to my neighborhood! I’m always happy to find a new commenter and regular! And thank you so much for the compliments- I am sincerely trying to bridge a very large gap between the Church and people it has alienated, and it’s always nice to hear people on either side are grateful for my efforts.
wep601: It’s amazing, when I ask heterosexuals how much sex is the center of their quest for relationships. It seems “obvious” that sex is only one aspect of a multidimensional quest to belong and be wanted- until it comes to homosexuality. We are ALL human. That is what matters.
June 6, 2008 at 10:24 pm. Permalink.
ybtolerant replied:
Thanks! I know the feeling when it comes to healing wounds between people. we got hurt from one of our last churches by some very close people who were leaders and it’s hard to heal afer such a close bond.
And if I’m correct I posted some stuff about my life somewhere else too – and it’s hard to have people judge you.
But remember it’s not your responsibility to do so.
- you are very wise, and you have very good outlooks on life. I appreciate your posts.
*Amber
June 6, 2008 at 10:39 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
…after all, sexuality is important part of who we are. But it’s certainly not the ONLY part.
here we go again!
Sexuality ≠ “sex.” (Or sexual activity, or however you want to phrase it.)
June 7, 2008 at 1:29 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
ybtolerant: Sometimes it helps to remember that people aren’t truly judging you, as people cannot weigh every aspect of you. Only God can. What people truly judge is merely their perception of you- which is often wrong!
e2c: Just keep banging the drum until the rhythm catches! And I’m not saying that sarcastically, I mean it. We shall pound this thing out until it hits home!
June 7, 2008 at 3:40 am. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Heehee. You know I’m a percussionist, right?!
June 7, 2008 at 5:26 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
*lol* I did remember that little detail!
June 7, 2008 at 6:06 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Thought so! ;P
June 7, 2008 at 8:58 pm. Permalink.
ybtolerant replied:
well I know that people judge us when they don’t know us, and I know that my own friends judge me and my actions because I know I have. It’s a terrible thing but it does exist.
So tell me – do you think that affection is wrong when it only comes from sex drive? can more love and affection grow from that?
just a weird question- one of my relationships started out purely physical adn now him and even some of my friends doubt it will be more because of it. I have faith though…. hmm
-YBT
June 8, 2008 at 8:29 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
YBT: Oh, honey, I wish I could tell you that your faith is justified, but only God knows. Most relationships that start out purely physical remain that way. Anything is possible, really, but a relationship about mutual concern and sacrifice and mutual admiration is worlds away from one that mostly centers around physicality. It’s possible to have both things, it’s WONDERFUL to have both things, but my own experiences speak to an awesome sex life coming from mutual respect, not the other way around.
That being said, you’ve got a long life ahead of you, and a lot of time in which to evaluate what you want, when you want it, and how to get it.
Don’t beat yourself up about the relationship you’ve gotten yourself into now, and don’t despair that it or you are unredeemable. Just take the time to ask yourself what you want, and be honest about if the person you’re currently with is really the one who will get you there.
And in an “I’ve been there” tone of voice, I’ve got to tell you that someone’s potential and someone’s current state are totally divorced- just because he COULD be doesn’t mean he is or ever will be- and you can only get him there if he wants to be.
If he doesn’t want to be, find someone who does.
(((BIG SISTER HUGS)))
(((LOTS OF ‘EM)))
June 8, 2008 at 8:50 pm. Permalink.