Self Mutilation, Self Hatred, Suicide
Ever since reading this post on SanityFound’s site I’ve been thinking about if I should address the topic of suicide and suicidal behaviors on my own blog. Her post keeps getting more comments, so every once in a while it pops back on to my radar, and eventually I simply got worn down enough by my thoughts to start this post.
A lot of people misunderstand the suicidal, and a lot of people also misunderstand the self-abusive. I seperate those people into two categories because they are not necessarily the same thing. Not every suicidal person engages in self-abusive behaviors, and not every self-abusive person seriously contemplates suicide. It’s easy to confuse them because both behaviors can be colored with a lot of the same emotions, but even so it’s an important distinction to make.
In my past I have been both self-abusive and suicidal, but peculiarly those two things occured at different times. When I was suicidal I was fairly young and despairing, I was at the cusp of adolescence, realing from sexual abuse, absolutely dejected and sure that my life had nothing of value to offer. I won’t relate the details of that time here because that’s not the main reason I’m writing this, but suffice it to say that my ascension from that dark place has absolutely convinced me that not only does God exist, but he loves me with a love I did nothing to earn.
Now, let’s talk about self-abuse. Do not think that every person who cuts or engages in similar activities is over-acting or crying out for attention. Do not assume that the things they are feeling are things that are easily coped with. Do not make the grievous mistake that so many people do, and assume that it is a phase or can be ignored. When I went through my self-abusive stage it was because I felt a great deal of disgust with myself, I thoroughly hated myself, and I could not think of any way in which to cope with the emotions that I was feeling other than taking it out on my body. I’ve seen other kids struggle with the same thing. Sometimes it is because they are in a highly abusive and manipulative relationship that they feel they can’t leave. Maybe it is a parent, or a sibling, or a pastor. For whatever reason they start to feel a build up of emotional bile. And rather than attack the source of the problem, they exorcise that bile by taking it out on themselves. Some people do this with cutting or bruising themselves. Some starve themselves. Some over-eat. Some engage in risky activities like unprotected sex or drunk driving. Some do drugs. For whatever reason, the self becomes the enemy.
Perhaps the situation that causes the internal focus ends, or perhaps the relationship ceases. Perhaps that is the way that the self finds freedom. Or perhaps there is an intervention, and a new way of exorcising emotion is found. Or perhaps the cycle of self-hatred continues until recognizable damage is done. A young girl who is having unprotected sex may find herself pregnant, a boy who is cutting may land in emergency care, a teen who is doing drugs may be caught…
Often something happens that the period of self-abuse comes to an end, but that doesn’t mean that one can portray it as having been a phase.
What is important, here, is that we appreciate the depth of emotion that causes self-abuse, that we respect the reality of the internal struggle, that we do not attack someone who has already made thier self the enemy. What we need to do is blanket the self-abusive in love, find them practical help and relief, and treat them with gentle hands.
If you are the parent, close friend, or loved one of someone who is exhibiting self-abusive behaviors and you are reading this: please, contact a professional who can help them. Do not try to deal with it independently. Try to avoid an aggressive confrontation. But, most of all: tell them that you love them and that they are WORTH loving. Embrace them. Cry with them.
Try to let them know that you don’t see their self as the enemy.
Love them.
Steve replied:
Lindsey,
This is an excellent post about a very painful subject. It has taken me years to convince my wife that cutting doesn’t equal attempts to kill myself. It’s a release, it stop the anxiety, the racing thoughts, the fear, the anger at myself when I lose control.
And spouses, significant others, need to watch as well. I’m 38. I didn’t start self abusing until my late 20′s when my bi-polar was totally out of control. I was married with a child at the time.
June 9, 2008 at 6:12 pm. Permalink.
SanityFound replied:
Wow, as Steve said, this post is powerful not only in it’s words but its experience and understanding that shines through. What I have always found is that when someone doesn’t understand something they often will cop out and say its for attention or more flippant reasons.
Self abuse and suicide are two of the greatest problems found in society and yet the hardest to accept or understand. Possibly out of guilt or the fact that those watching don’t know how to help those experiencing, they feel helpless.
A heart felt post that will touch many lives, thank you for sharing this.
June 9, 2008 at 7:25 pm. Permalink.
Wendy replied:
This is heavy stuff! The kind of stuff that was beyond my understanding for years. With close loved ones who have experienced self injurious behavior and suicidal ideation, it touched my life close enough to reach out for greater understanding. I wish I read an article like this years ago! But I am still thankful that you are putting this out there now!
June 9, 2008 at 10:22 pm. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
Lindsey, I cried as I read this post because at some point I was both. Yes I was suicidal for about 3 years. I had planned my death on many occasions. I even knew what I wanted my coffin to look like. There was one Sunday I knew I would kill myself but my Sunday School teacher said something to me that day that stopped me. I engaged in risky behavior hoping to die by accident. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain and I have driven many times as a teenager where I don’t remember getting home. Yes I wanted to die to make the pain stop.
But then again I went through many years when I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t self mutilate for attention, I hid most of my scars in places where no one would see. I have held burning hot red knives to my flesh and not felt any pain. I could smell burning flesh but I couldn’t feel it for about two minutes. Yes I timed how long it took me to feel pain.
I learned how to numb myself from an early age. I too was sexually abused and the only way I could survive was to numb myself completely from feeling anything. Good or bad.
Now as an adult I look back and wonder how I survived it all. But I know it is from God’s grace that I am alive and whole today. And yes people like you and Anita have given me the nurishment and room to grow into a whole being.
I have come so far from the scared, tired teenager. I am not who I was then, but I can truly understand when I meet someone who is in that place. Maybe that is why I had to be there, to understand those who are now in that same place.
Thank you for this post. Thank you for opening yourself up to let others know that there is hope.
June 10, 2008 at 4:13 am. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Lindsey, thank you for this teaching post. Written with honestly and empathy and loaded with compassion.
SanityFound and I had a discussion on a post I plan to make in the near future regarding this subject too – but the time for me is not appropriate to do so.
Maybe just maybe someone will read the words of both you and SF and stop and think about how much God loves them before attempting to take their own life. I can only pray they be guided to you both as beacons of strength who has actually walked through the fire and made it to the other side.
June 10, 2008 at 5:42 am. Permalink.
Matthew replied:
Lins,
I have had periods of both self-destructive behavior and suicidal thoughts. I have been under treatment and counseling in the past. Bless you, sister, for your eloquence and thoughtfulness. So many people, who haven’t been through it, say, “People who are suicidal are just selfish,” and that just kills me. Self-love is the last thing most self-destructive people have too much of.
Thanks again, Lindsey, for your writing!
Matty
June 10, 2008 at 3:21 pm. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
Self-love is the last thing most self-destructive people have too much of.
Matthew, Wonderfully stated. If we, at that lowest point, had any self love at all, we would have been able to accept the love from others.
June 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm. Permalink.
littletiger replied:
Lindsey – thank you! This post is amazing and filled with such insight! It’s hard when others don’t understand the pain that is carried inside. My self-destructive behavior wasn’t cutting, but I slowly was starving myself to death – and came close, but a couple of really good friends helped me realize what I was doing and confronted me in a loving way. It is still something that I struggle with. I’m fortunate tho to have a wonderful husband who sees the best in me and love me when I don’t like myself very much. Thanks again Lindsey.
June 10, 2008 at 5:03 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Great post. Suicidal thoughts – and what drives them – are so misunderstood. (Not just in the church, but in the world as a whole.) Though I can’t speak from any personal experience re. cutting, I deeply appreciate your candor and compassion on this subject. You’re helping me understand, and for that I’m truly thankful!
June 10, 2008 at 6:01 pm. Permalink.
ybtolerant replied:
Brilliantly said!!
I have been through all three of these things in my life – and I can say they were dark times. I can’t say I have fully come out of the self hatred state but I do not harm my body any more.
Those of us who ahte ourselves have our own reasons, and telling us that we shouldn’t is a no-no. you can’t tell people what to feel, or that they are wrong in what they feel, you have to show them you care about them. Leaving them in the dirt is what they expect. Somedays I want to be lost on an island just to avoid people and somedays I just wish no one knew me because I feel like the devil.
These things in life aren’t just phases and not everyone goes through them. It’s very serious and I think you explain very well how they are and what they can do to people. Thank you
June 12, 2008 at 11:56 pm. Permalink.
Phew is it another one? « SanityFound’s Rambling’s replied:
[...] for words, the heart she puts into them and her wisdom never stops astounding me. Her post on Self Mutilation, Self Hatred and Suicide blew me away only to be followed by Modesty is about more than skin has really stuck with me. Go [...]
June 14, 2008 at 2:56 pm. Permalink.
goldnsilver replied:
I am a person who has never experienced depression, I have never been suicidal. My life has actually been very good so far, and I am truly a lucky person.
So, without meaning to be presumptious in asking, please answer a question for me.
How is suicide not selfish?
There was a boy who in my grade who’s brother killed himself. His family was left wondering ‘why?’. He has probably emotionally scarred them all for life, and in turn perhaps created suicidal thoughts in them all. On top of that, they weren’t a wealthy family, and they had to suddenly find the cash for a funeral. After all the expenses this can come to thousands of dollars.
How was this not selfish? I am aware that I can’t comprehend the pain he must have gone through to kill himself – but that is not the point. The point is that it was a selfish act. To me, someone who kills themselves (unless they have no one that loves them), dismisses the love others give in turn for self obsession.
I do not mean to hurt anyone. I just want to know, I want to understand.
June 22, 2008 at 1:09 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
goldnsilver: Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I understand that it is selfish to take yourself away from those who love you- obviously so. But that isn’t what someone is thinking of when they commit suicide. They likely believe that their family is better off without them, that their living causes people pain, that if they continue to live the pain will continue. I can attest to that from my own experience. My thought wasn’t for the pain I believed my family would feel were I gone, but the relief they would feel from no longer having to deal with me.
Obviously I was wrong, but I believed myself to be right at the time. I was acting out of self-interest and a kind of selfishness, but I didn’t believe that to be the case.
I hope that makes sense.
July 17, 2008 at 1:42 pm. Permalink.