Worn thin.
It’s 12:15, nighttime, it’s raining cats and dogs. My son won’t sleep.
I’m really, really tired.
So why am I blogging?
Because for some reason the last week everything has been wearing on me. The comments, the thoughts, the desire to somehow just reach through the ether and touch everyone. I won’t go into detail, as the worst of it has to do with a specific person, and blogging about other bloggers is just not kosher. All I can say is that I’ve been trying to pray and I’ve ended up in tears. There is just all of this grief, all of this indescribable grief, and it’s not even my own. It’s like I’ve become a surrogate for all of the tears that otherwise might not get cried.
And through it all I’ve found this amazing gem, this tiny ruby of trust in God I otherwise may have discarded. But I need it now, because I so desperately HAVE to believe that God will pour out his love on the broken.
I just want to reach through the ether. There are some of you I want to curl up with on the floor, to hug and kiss you like a sister, to tell you that you can let go and accept God’s love and be held by him, but I can’t.
Damn it, I can’t.
And it’s killing me.
Stephanie replied:
Oh wow Lindsey, wow. I relate so much to what you’re saying.
“All I can say is that I’ve been trying to pray and I’ve ended up in tears. There is just all of this grief, all of this indescribable grief, and it’s not even my own. It’s like I’ve become a surrogate for all of the tears that otherwise might not get cried.”
I have found myself in the same place many times throughout this week, especially yesterday. The ache and grief is so indescribably heavy.
“because I so desperately HAVE to believe that God will pour out his love on the broken”
Agreed. Agreed.
June 14, 2008 at 5:03 am. Permalink.
anita replied:
Lindsey,
I think the exchanges this weekend have highlighted that everyone has levels of brokenness within them. Everyone. When it comes to blogging about it, I reached the same decision as you but not until I’d spent hours writing and re-writing only to in the end push “delete” instead of “publish.”
I don’t know about you but I intend to take a few days to breathe deeply, enjoy the world and people around me, and spend time in the presence of a marvelous God. Then it’s back to the message of God’s love that never fails to cast light in the darkest of places.
Enjoy the rain and your son and take heart in knowing that you’re doing a wonderful thing here and all around.
June 14, 2008 at 5:24 am. Permalink.
anita replied:
Okay. I just spent an exhaustive 8 minutes trying to find an email address around here so I could drop you a note but there was none to be found. If you wouldn’t mind sharing the info, please drop me your email address by writing to anita@sisterfriends-together.org.
June 14, 2008 at 7:07 am. Permalink.
SanityFound replied:
I know what you mean and feel you fully, sometimes it can break us and all we can do is pray, trust in God and send them hugs with our minds… so am sending you one as well
June 14, 2008 at 10:02 am. Permalink.
Stephanie replied:
Hi, me again. Was just thinking about you this morning and wanted to send some hugs and love your way.
Lindsey, I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing light full of love and compassion, challenging many of us to think about things a little differently and standing up for injustice. You have touched my heart and life by your love and I know it’s very, very little, but thank you.
I hope you have a wonderful, enjoyable weekend.
June 14, 2008 at 1:56 pm. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
Lindsey, such love and compassion is a wonderful gift you share with the world.
“because I so desperately HAVE to believe that God will pour out his love on the broken.” Amen.
June 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
It is hard isn’t it? Watching people be evil to other people in the name of God. It will NEVER get easier.
These people are sent to you to try your strength and patience. Anyone can deal with believers or basically good people.
Its those chosen few like yourself who can deal effectively with the “bad seeds” who poision every crop around them. They are nothing but parasites who suck the life out of other living healthy things trying to grow. The only way to battle these parasites is by being healthy and growing towards the sun (God).
June 16, 2008 at 3:43 pm. Permalink.
Vanessa replied:
Lindsey: i have also found myself grieve for others, for those that may not have anyone to hold them up, who are oppressed, persecuted and condemned on a regular basis. My heart aches for them, yet I trust that God will watch over them, love and support them, and always bring light to them in their darkness. I fully appreciate your presence here. Peace and hugs to you…….
June 20, 2008 at 1:24 am. Permalink.