Comment with Care
The internet is a tricky place. It’s a little like a masquerade, with everyone picking avatars that rarely show their face, the real person hidden in a veil of carefully constructed identity. The internet being such, it’s easy to forget that there’s a real person on the other side of the ethernet cable. Because there’s rarely proximity or touch involved, it’s easy to think of people one meets online as not real people, not containing real emotion or full identity. It’s easy to think of every aspect of their online identity as being concocted. It’s easy to disregard truth in favor of perception.
It’s easy to be cruel.
In my days on the internet I’ve been a part of a lot of different online communities. In my early days it was fan sites for favorite bands. Every once in a while we’d all be told that we had no taste in music or that certain members of bands were not who we thought they were. There’d be outright lies, misleading half-truths, odd motivations. As time passed on I joined a few online RPGs, groups in which concocting identities was the norm. And as such there were a few practical jokes played with multiple personas, some of which went miserably awry. Even further on there were a few support groups for people dealing with depression. Let me just say that if you have blade to wrist and someone says “depression is a choice”, it doesn’t help things. Despite the fact that it’s easy to lash out at an idea, one must always remember that whatever one is lashing out with involves people as well. Real people with real feelings that can be really hurt.
Mothers forums in which mothers who don’t breastfeed are eviscerated. Or mothers who choose to go back to work are mocked. Or mothers who don’t choose to go back to work are accused of taking advantage of their spouses. Or single mothers are told they are “better off” without having to deal with a spouse. All of these things that just make it harder on us all. Make it harder for everyone on every side of the issue. Because we don’t need to be divided, we need to be united. Instead of focusing on our differences we should focus on those things which all of us share.
I do not, as a rule, moderate comments on this blog. I realize that ninety percent of the things I talk about are issues that divide people, and I respect the fact that not everyone who reads my posts will agree with me. Some people will think I am absolutely and in all ways wrong, and they are entitled to that opinion and entitled to voice it. Occassionally I do delete a comment. If someone, for example, refers to a person who is gay as one who (and I quote) “embraces the vile vomit of sodomy”, I will delete that comment. It serves no purpose other than to be inflamatory. Someone can believe that gay sex is against God’s plan without using words such as “vile” and “vomit”.
Just remember, commenters, that there are real people on the other side of this issue. The gays are real people, with emotions, and needs, and desires, and even spirituality. Just as those who believe homosexuality is a sin are also people, people who are trying to adhere to that which they believe is holy. That is why I allow comments from all sides- because ninety nine percent of the time I think everyone truly is trying to do what they think is right or necessary.
Just please, please, comment with care. Be respectful. Don’t attack. Wear gloves, if necessary. Remember that for better or worse God put us all on this planet together and he called us all to each other. We NEED each other.
Practice compassion. Live with grace.
And for the love of God, comment with care.
Vanessa replied:
Lindsey: Thank you so much for sharing these words of concern and compassion. I do think at times it is easy to not think of our computer friends as real people; however, I think that those of us who venture out here often make ourselves more vulnerable, not less. As always, I appreciate your open, compassionate outlook.
June 20, 2008 at 1:13 am. Permalink.
M54 replied:
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Lindsey: I tried using the gloves but it didn’t work out so well.
Peace and blessings to all.
M54
June 20, 2008 at 1:15 am. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
Lindsey, its funny but this topic is popping up everywhere. Although I must admit you and Anita addressed it in a more compassionate and Godly way.
Sometimes I think people get caught up in the point they are trying to make and don’t even realize that the way it is said can be offensive. I have read many a comment that at first glance offended me but after thought I realized that so much of genuine communication is absent when we can’t hear the tone or see the expressions. So I practice reading with the thought that what is said is out of conviction and compassion.
But unfortunately there are those who flame just for the sake of heating things up. Or those who can attack someone and wonder why everyone is getting offended.
You and I agree on many things and there are those things that we disagree on. But at no time have I ever felt attacked or put down by what you have said. That is because you are coming from a place of love. I respect you even in disagreement. Unfortunately there are those who don’t speak out of love or respect.
June 20, 2008 at 2:24 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Vanessa & M54: Thank you.
Hill: It’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s made harder by the fact that a lot of the reality of people is lost in the point they are trying to make, or an identity that is adopted for the sake of expediency. Like myself, for example. On this blog I never directly address whether or not I myself believe homosexuality is a sin. The reason is twofold. One, because if I said “it’s not sin”, I would be largely ignored by those who believe it is and lose any ground that may be won in conceding “Biblical Accuracy.” And in conceding homosexuality as sin, I hurt my gay readers. If I were to say “it IS sin!” I may gain the affections of some Christians, but lose my gay readers entirely. And thus I state “my own opinion doesn’t matter.” Which hurts me, because in my mind it does matter, and yet I never say.
Which may hurt you. Which kills me. And it all just ultimately goes to prove that the internets are a tricky, tricky place.
And I’m glad you never feel attacked, because God knows I wouldn’t want to attack you. You’re a good person.
(((HUGS))) to all!
June 20, 2008 at 2:33 am. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
You know what? Comment moderation is awkward, but it might well be the only way (in the end) to resolve this problem, given the way many people “speak” recklessly on the internet.
If I were in your shoes, I would maybe do an experiment with it, just to see how things go.
I know people who’ve had no choice but to turn it on due to truly vicious attacks.
There’s a big, big difference between honest, respectful disagreements and the kinds of posts that deserve moderation. (I think, anyway.)
June 20, 2008 at 3:17 am. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
Lindsey, Let me start off by saying if tomorrow you posted and stated you thought acting on my homosexual orientation was a sin, I wouldn’t storm off and pout and never come back. You are entitled to your opinions and beliefs.
I have to admit that I was a lurker for quite a while before I chanced it to actually make a comment. So in some ways I feel like I do know you and I can see that you move and speak out of love.
People speak from so many different perspectives. And my belief dosen’t negate your belief and so on and so forth.
It all comes back to the motive and intention of what is said. And yes your opinion matters, just like mine does and everyone else out here in the cyber world. But you have to do what you are comfortable or called to do.
And even if you do believe that I am living in sin, you let the heavenly father judge. You don’t set yourself up to be judge, jury, and hangman. So in no way will this gay reader of yours be turned off and run from you. Take care sister, my thoughts and prayers are with you as always.
June 20, 2008 at 4:26 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
e2c: You know, I’ve considered turning on moderation in the past when I ran up against people I thought were being belligerent, and in every other case I eventually found a truly decent person under all of the harsh language, and I’m glad I took the time to scrape away the layers. I doubt that will happen this time, but only time will tell. (I don’t know. Maybe the last four days of silence will tell?)
wvhillcountry: Well, I can proudly say that I will never state that one’s orientation is a sin, at least no more of one than my six years of fear of physical contact was a sin. One cannot help one’s sexuality. As in all other cases, I think that what one does with one’s self is far more telling. And I’d condemn gay people who sleep around and never form intimate relationships with equity to heterosexuals who do the same. I think my blog has already shown that I at the very least think that gay people who form long term, committed relationships should be treated with respect.
Hopefully that’s enough.
June 20, 2008 at 10:09 am. Permalink.
vanessaleighsblog replied:
Lindsey: believe me, THAT statement alone, means so much to me…….. thanks.
June 20, 2008 at 2:47 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
Lindsey, I hear you (about finding the genuine person, etc.), but there are times you just have to draw the line, for your own sanity. (“You” is plural here, BTW.)
I’ve had to do it. That’s why I’m advocating it. The stress and all the painful emotions associated with the kind of flaming that’s been going on here (and on some regular readers’ blogs) is just not worth it – and people who do that kind of hit-and-run “commenting” are (let me be very blunt) God’s to fix, not yours or mine. They are being abusive to you and others.
Please don’t keep exposing yourself to unnecessary pain.
June 20, 2008 at 4:40 pm. Permalink.
Amber replied:
Wow, I missed out on this one. I try so hard to be polite when I comment on the internet. I look at it as though we are all in a meeting room having a discussion. I try not to say anything that I would not be PROUD to say face to face.
Occasionally, I get very offended and upset at the lack of common decency people show to one another when replying to posts and each other. The PERSONAL attacks are unbelievable, especially considering that those making them consider themselves to be “Christians”.
I also find offense at those individuals who use other people’s blogs to push their own beliefs and agendas. I understand that this is an open forum for discussion, but it needs to be respectful and adult. Why would anyone bother to just come and say the same things week in and week out to be negative?
Blog Hijackers should not be tolerated by the blogging community. Either people remain civil and polite, or they don’t participate. Its that simple. Anyway, that is my two cents on the topic.
June 21, 2008 at 4:39 am. Permalink.
lesbiansaidwhat replied:
LINDSEY–I think people should be free to express their beliefs. You’re right it needs to be in a respectful way, in a way that continues to be open to conversations.
It drives me crazy when Jesus and the bible are used as spiritual napalm. I think when it comes to matters of the spirit and the heart it should be a gentle and cautious undertaking.
I tend to be one that doesn’t mind if someone takes a pot shot or two at me on MY BLOG, but when it happens on another blog it rubs me the wrong way. Or if someone takes a shot at someone else on my blog it rubs me the wrong way.
I’ve come close to censoring some comments on my blog. But the blog I’m writing isn’t of a spiritual nature.
It’s nice to know that as a reader there are expectations for commenters. That way the spiritual blood letting can be kept to a minimum for those that disagree with another reader.
C
June 21, 2008 at 4:23 pm. Permalink.
SanityFound replied:
Phew all has been said that I wanted to say so alas all I can do is but say “I concur”
June 21, 2008 at 6:26 pm. Permalink.
Seth replied:
Well said, everybody. It can be hard to keep our comments polite sometimes, but we do need to keep trying! Thanks for the words, Lindsey.
June 23, 2008 at 2:51 pm. Permalink.