What marriage is and isn’t-

It’s interesting to listen to kids in the first blush of love talk about what they want from their relationships.  They say things like “wouldn’t it be great to be together all the time?” or “I just can’t wait to talk to him/her every time anything happens to me” or “I just feel like I’m dying when we’re not touching”.

Some things change over time, some things don’t.  I would hope that after ten years of marriage (currently on year six) that I still want to spend the majority of the time with my husband and I certainly can’t wait to talk to him any time something exciting happens.  As for the “dying when we’re not touching”, well, after several months of marriage and almost constant contact that particular thing died away.  Then, two years later and after baby one it certainly came back for a while.  But that’s a different topic, isn’t it?

The point is that marriage is and isn’t all we expect it to be.  At first it is (or was, in my case) everything a girl could hope for.  It was an orgy of togetherness (take that literally or figuratively), it was a communion of intellect and emotion and entertainment.  It was an endless dance of what he wants and she wants, it was massively intense.  And then the shine wore off, as it had to.  Two people can only maintain so much closeness before things start to get rubbed raw.  Humans do crave togetherness, but they also need aloneness.  Two can become one to a point that neither one remembers who they are when apart, and while that may seem magical it’s also hurtful.  We need to be united, yes, but we also need to be who God created us to be.  And the union can become twisted to the point where one person sacrifices their being and calling for the happiness of the other- which kills the union.

Yes, it’s a cliche, but the honeymoon always ends.  The sad truth is that the miracle of togetherness is often overshadowed by memories of the first knock-down drag-out fight.  Distractions of work or family mar the union and sometimes the union itself is forgotten or failed to be maintained.  And then a girl (or guy) is left to figure out what marriage really is.

Here’s the truth:  it’s not about you.  It can’t be, or it will end.  Marriage is not about me being adored, me being desired, me being fulfilled, my needs being met.  It would be nice if it was, but it’s not.  It’s about me loving someone else.  That means that I make sacrifices, I sometimes go ignored or neglected for long periods of time.  Not because it’s okay to do that to someone or to have it done to you, but because life happens and in the midst of life happening people get hurt.  But marriage isn’t about the hurt.  It’s about the hope, the faith, the commitment, the vows, the forsaking of all others for the sake of the union.  It’s about learning how to truly love someone unconditionally.  It’s about learning to put yourself second.

Oh, and then if you have kids…  wow.  It’s about learning to put yourself third or fourth (or fifth, or sixth, or seventh).  It’s about learning real, real patience.  It’s about learning to swallow anger and only let it out in appropriate circumstances.  It’s about learning to live without so that your kids don’t have to.  It’s about hours, days, months, years spent waiting for a chance to pursue a dream.  Often there are only enough hours in the day for one person to get needs met or pursue dreams above and beyond thier nine-to-five job.

In order for a marriage to work sometimes it seems like one person involved has to practically transcend humanity.  But, that being said, marriage is also about two people.  It doesn’t matter how holy and how perfect one person is, if the other person never commits it will end.  Rarely is one met halfway, but so long as both keep meeting things always seem to work themselves out.  In a perfect world you have two people so wholly devoted to each other’s fulfillment that neither go wanting, but this world isn’t perfect.  No, it’s far from perfect.  But it’s perfect enough.

That is what matters.

Not perfection, but having enough.  Having enough isn’t even about the amounts one has, it’s about learning to be grateful for what is there.  The moments of togetherness eclipsing the moments of solitude, the love expressed covering the wounds of anger, the tender platitudes taking the place of epic love poems that are wished for.  And in learning to love what is there, we learn about God.  We understand why God would send Christ for us, a broken people.  And we learn to be like him.  For me, that’s what marriage really is.

Romance is for fools.

(Okay, I take that back- romance is wonderful.  But it’s more wonderful six years in.  Trust me on that.)

July 9, 2008. Relationships, family, life, marriage.