Family
“Blood is thicker than water”, the saying goes. I’m not sure exactly what it means- but I do know one thing. It’s only true as long as one decides it ought to be true. Familial devotion doesn’t always exist. Family can be as cruel as it can be kind- more cruel, because a girl wants her family to be devoted. She wants to be loved and cherished. She wants everyone else to try as hard as she does to make things keep working.
Sometimes she gets disappointed. I’m not saying this for myself so much as for two gleaming examples of who a girl should be, Amber and SanityFound, who have both recently written posts about being let down by the family we’re born to. But here’s the good news: everyone has two families! We have the family we’re born with and the family we choose. Sometimes we choose our birth families as those who we most love and devote ourselves too. But more often we choose instead our friends, our work family, or our church family as the people we turn to when the chips are down or invite to celebrate when all is well.
I think God gives us the family we’re born to in order to teach us. We’re not always like them. More often we have little in common, and sometimes we find that we don’t even get along. From our birth family we learn that love is not always instinctive. We learn how to make sacrifices to keep the peace. We learn how to cherish someone even when we don’t want to be around them. And all of those things are good lessons, but they don’t lessen the heartache of the moments when you want a hand to hold and all you get is voicemail. Those are the moments that God gives us our chosen families for. They are the ones that teach us about friendship and devotion, about the value of late-night phone calls and the pure pleasure that comes from knowing that we are enjoyed, we are wanted, we are chosen to be loved.
Both families are important, both lessons are needed. But we mustn’t confuse one with the other. One is love that is unconditional, unasked for, given because it is the right thing to do. The other is also love that is unconditional, but it is love that is asked for and given in equal parts, given for the simple pleasure of knowing it is there.
I thank God for the family I was born to, and I am humbled by the one that has chosen me.
Family: It’s a good thing, even when it makes us crazy. (Which, to be honest, seems to be most of the time.)
Vanessa replied:
Hey Lindsey:
You are so right; thank you for this connecting and loving post. I feel very fortunate, that I have both groups of families that I feel close and connected to. I am finding that families of choice are more common than I previously had thought, and have found that I am adopting many new siblings here in cyberworld…… what a family reunion that will be someday……….
August 11, 2008 at 12:51 am. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
This is a very, very timely post for me, too. Thank you, Lindsey.
August 11, 2008 at 1:38 am. Permalink.
mssc54 replied:
Lindsey; I will leave the same response here that I left Amber.
A wise old man once told me;
“You can pick your nose. You can pick your teeth. But you can’t pick your family.”
I think that ole cuss was on to something.
August 11, 2008 at 2:26 am. Permalink.
Teri replied:
Mssc54, I’ve never heard that one before but it is not only true, but funny. As a child I often hated my parents. As an adult I loved them. As a first mother, I loved my child, as a parent I love my children. I love the parents who raised my child and cherished her. And birth family or adoptive family, that woman is loved by all. She has two families who adore her and put up with her at the same time. Ain’t life grand?
)
Teri Brown
Adoption Records Handbook
http://www.CraryPublications.com
August 11, 2008 at 3:04 am. Permalink.
Amber replied:
Lindsey – I am truly touched by this post. You guys have really been there for me. How …. unexpected to find such love in such an anonymous place. Odd but wonderful.
I am so thankful. Grateful to God for each lesson I learn. I get stronger each time I fall off my rope of zen. I am hoping to become more graceful and agile and skilled with God’s grace and perseverance.
August 11, 2008 at 4:30 am. Permalink.
SanityFound replied:
Lindsey, I have read this post too many times for me to legally state here with out seeming like I have lost my mind (also highly possible). You said all of the things that I remind myself of when the chips are down, that perhaps they are there so that I know what not to be, so that I know what kind of person I don’t want to have around, sad as it is.
Thank you so much for this post, it really is close to my heart – it has taken me a whole 7 hours to comment lol new record!!! Like Amber said, the love we find here is unexpected, odd even but it is incredibly awesome as well.
Thank you for who you are, who you are to me and who you are to the rest of the world!
August 11, 2008 at 12:10 pm. Permalink.
thatdudeyouknow replied:
amen
August 11, 2008 at 3:23 pm. Permalink.
wvhillcountry replied:
I am an odd ball. I know that is a shocker, but I am the youngest of eight and a only child. It depends on how you look at it. I know I am very fortunante to have my mother, my sister C, my brothers R and J supporting me. But on the other side I have been gravely wounded by certain members of my biological family.
And I agree, we can’t pick our biological family…but we are blessed as adults to pick our family. I have very close members of my family that we share no blood at all. My family is now composed of those I have met and learned to love.
It is kind of like God’s family if you think about it. We may not be related by blood, but we are responsible for each other and ourselves.
August 11, 2008 at 8:44 pm. Permalink.
Linda Lee replied:
this was a perfect blog for me to read because just recently i’ve been reminded of how God’s sovereignty is shown in our family, but also it seems to be one of my thorns! it keeps me dependent on God though. thanks for all your posts. i’ve so enjoyed reading! especially to see how loving and open-minded you are toward gay christians!
August 13, 2008 at 3:55 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Everybody: Thank you so much! I’m grateful to have touched so many people with this post.
LindaLee: You’re welcome!
August 13, 2008 at 11:18 pm. Permalink.