He doesn’t know what you want
Ladies: Your man doesn’t know what you want. No, really, he doesn’t have a clue. He doesn’t know that you want Italian for dinner. He doesn’t know that you’ve been wanting that new book that just got released. He doesn’t know that you’d rather see the latest slap-stick comedy than that new romance movie with what’s-her-name. He has no clue that it’s been months since he romanced you in the bedroom and made it all about you and your pleasure. Yes, I know, he was there too and he OUGHT to know. I just thought that I’d better tell you that he doesn’t know.
He doesn’t know that he should buy you lingerie. He doesn’t know that the brand of candy he brings home for you isn’t your favorite. He doesn’t know any of these things: but, here’s the clincher- he wants to. He wants to take you out to your favorite restaurant and surprise you with all the little things you’ve been desiring and give you night after night of incredible mind blowing sex, but he can’t read your mind. If he could, he would, and he’d be the man you want him to be. But he can’t, so he won’t, and if you keep desiring without opening your mouth you will only feel ignored and grow to resent him.
This is the thing. And it’s a good thing, too! You have the power to change it all. All you need to do is learn to talk to him about the things you want. Learn to say, “I’ve been craving Italian.” Learn to say, “I’d rather have a Snickers Bar.” Learn to say, “It’s been months since you’ve [done that thing] to my [particular body part] and I want you to drive me wild.” Learn to talk to him, and he will learn to listen. And he will gladly give in to your demands because trust me, girl, he chose you and part of the reason he did that is because he wants to make you happy. The problem with that is that one person’s happiness always seems to depend on the actions of both, and your silence becomes a stumbling block to your own fulfillment.
I understand. We, as girls, don’t like to sound petty. We don’t like to whine. We don’t like to appear demanding. We don’t like to leave our men with the impression that they never please us. But because of our fear we trap ourselves in cycles of dissatisfaction that only make things worse. So learn to talk to him. Learn to choose the moments that matter most. Take the tiniest steps towards gaining a voice in your relationship. Most of all, realize that the same is true in reverse. You probably don’t know what he wants, either. You may be bringing home the wrong candy and falling into a rut that leaves him craving, too. So tell him to talk to you. Trade favors. Say, “I want lingerie- but first, what can I do for you?”
It’s like magic. Both people communicating, both satisfied. I think the only thing better than getting one’s own way is knowing that you’re giving as well as you get. And that is what a relationship is meant to be like.
Fitch replied:
Yes, ’tis true … they don’t know what we want until we tell them … and even then sometimes it takes a while to sink in. My man suffers greatly from “selective hearing.”
August 16, 2008 at 11:56 am. Permalink.
iamvivian replied:
very very true. thank you for this post. this is what he has been telling me too. thank you.
August 16, 2008 at 2:13 pm. Permalink.
Apar replied:
A different take on one of my blogrolls…http://mirrorcracked.wordpress.com/2008/08/13/bay-of-pigs/
or teach them to unlearn “selective hearing” as Fitch says 
We should find the guy who knows what we want
August 16, 2008 at 3:43 pm. Permalink.
mspennylane replied:
That was a really nice post, especially “he chose you and part of the reason he did that is because he wants to make you happy”. It is odd how we can’t just say exactly what we want. I am the worst for that!
August 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm. Permalink.
mssc54 replied:
IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER WORK.
Husband: Honey, what do you want to do this weekend?
Wife: I don’t kow I really haven’t given it much thought. What do you want to do?
Husband: I don’t know. Do you want to go to a movie or dinner, to the beach?
Wife: I’m not sure… are there any decent movies out this week?
Husband: I haven’t looked, (now checking on the net). Well there’s this new movie about yadda yadda yadda or this other one about yadda yadda yadda. Do either one of those sound good to you?
Wife: Not really….
Husband: (quietly opens the link to his favorite blogs and another weekend goes by). Sigh.
Wife: (on Sunday afternoon) Gosh, I wish we would start doing something on weekends.
Husband: Gosh Honey, that’s a great idea. Do you have any suggestions?
See top of post for the do over.
August 16, 2008 at 7:43 pm. Permalink.
anita replied:
I would imagine that the gap between what a man knows that a woman wants and what a woman knows that another woman wants might be a little more expansive, but really, whatever the gender of the person wearing the matching wedding band they’re going to need some assistance in knowing what you want whether at the salad bar or in the bed. No one can read our minds 100% of the time even if they’re our spouse and closest friend though I think it’s hard to let go of the idea that if she/he really loved me he/she would know I want enchiladas tonight and not sushi.
One thing we have down in our household is communication (the beauty of a lesbian home where both have done their share of therapy and personal growth), and we’re learned through funny little moments.
Take for example the time that my beloved went to the grocery store to make us both salads at the salad bar. “What would you like in your salad?” she asked. “Oh, you know what I like” I answered. When she returned I opened the salad container, looked inside and started to cry, “There aren’t any peas or corns in the salad. I get peas and corn every time we go to the salad bar. How could you not know that? How could you not have noticed after all this time?”
I snapped because for some weird it’s all about me if you love reasoning, I thought the poor woman should be fully knowledgeable of my salad bar ingredients without me telling her; as if that was the sign of true love. We laugh about it to this day and still, every time she runs to the store to make salads for us, she says, “And let me see, that’s peas and corn, right?”
She makes me the best salads ever!
August 16, 2008 at 8:01 pm. Permalink.
Matty replied:
Lindsey,
Well written, as always. I can attest, first hand, to the destructive power of NOT communicating. Thanks to you for this wonderful reminder.
SDG,
Matty
August 16, 2008 at 9:16 pm. Permalink.
e2tc replied:
anita, I love your salad bar story!
August 16, 2008 at 11:03 pm. Permalink.
Red Wine Gums replied:
I definitely get the whole he/she loves me so should know X idea. I have that with friends to a certain extent. The salad bar story is a funny one alright because I can relate to it but in more of a how we interact way. Sometimes I wonder how friends can miss how I want them to relate to me.
With new friendships I just lay it out from the beginning who I am, how I work and how I prefer to interact. This doesn’t mean I expect to get all or everything. I just want to give the other person a fuller understanding of me. I seek to get the same from them through observation and interaction. Not sure if I’d have picked up on the peas and corn in the salad. How often do you eat salad?
Maybe I’m weird but if I had a romantic relationship I would expect open and honest communication from the start. Not even romantic relationships. All my relationships. I don’t think I want to know you if you’re not going to be honest about your needs and expectations with me. I assume everything is alright unless told. This doesn’t mean I don’t pick up on issues or tension below the surface but I remember receiving an email that started with “It’s time I was honest with you”. It was simultaneously a blow to the heart and a switch that flicked on the anger because it felt like deception.
It’s all ahead of me I know. I guess I just read so many posts like this in various media and I wonder what goes so wrong that you get to a situation like that.
August 17, 2008 at 1:14 am. Permalink.
Weekly Fruit Salad - Nummer elva « SanityFound’s Rambling’s replied:
[...] we don’t know what we want never mind what others want. We forget to ask, we forget to talk, we forget to laugh. Soon before we know it 61 [...]
August 18, 2008 at 10:41 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Everyone: Thank you!
Mssc54: I’ve heard that conversation before, I’m thinking… *sigh*
Anita: So true! It happens in every relationship, doesn’t it? I suppose I write from the hetero world view so I sometimes forget that it doesn’t matter the gender- what matters is that little voice that wants to be seen and cherished and understood completely without any effort involved. But Jesus is the only one who can truly do that for us- with everyone else it takes work.
RWG: I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily a bad place, it’s just a place that happens. You put a lot of work into understanding your friends, but I’d wager there are still things that go unsaid and things that you take for granted. Not that you mean too, it just happens. With a marriage it takes daily maintenance. People change over time. The little things that would have floored me when we first got married might not have the same effect now that we have kids, for example. And it’s easy, almost sickeningly easy, to forget that the relationship needs maintaining. And that’s just in my own life- some people never learn how to be truly intimate with each other in the first place.
August 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm. Permalink.
A.Y. Siu replied:
Learn to say, “I’ve been craving Italian.” Learn to say, “I’d rather have a Snickers Bar.” Learn to say, “It’s been months since you’ve [done that thing] to my [particular body part] and I want you to drive me wild.” Learn to talk to him, and he will learn to listen.
I like the first one (I’ve been craving Italian), but the second two could easily be misconstrued as criticism (men often have fragile egos and might read criticism into harmless remarks).
I’d rather have a Snickers Bar could be translated in his mind to be You got me the wrong thing, moron. Why can’t you get it straight? And It’s been months since you’ve [done that thing] to my [particular body part] and I want you to drive me wild. he could take to mean You are not satisfying me sexually. You are sexually inadequate.
Men, like dogs, respond best to positive reinforcement. When he does something good, reward him. Do not punish him except in extreme circumstances.
I think a simple I could really use a Snickers Bar or I’m craving some Snickers right now would be a great way to get across a Snickers craving without him thinking you’re being critical. Same deal with You know that thing you sometimes to do to [particular part of my body]? I love it when you do that instead of It’s been months since…
August 25, 2008 at 7:50 pm. Permalink.
Tania Breard replied:
Yes, yes, by now we “know” communication is the key to a good relationship, with anyone for that matter. HOWEVER, let’s fact it you may both be speaking English, but regardless of how loud and slow you may be speaking it, sometimes, there is a major breakdown.
This brings to mind a scene from Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation in which the elderly uncle who is visiting turns to his wife and very slowly, using his hands for emphasis, distinctly says, “The blessing, the blessing.” Sorry, I digress….
However, men and women must feel that way at times, you find yourself desperate to “get your point” across.” Geez!
I now do the elementary “good communication” thing with my husband. I listen, this is what I heard, is that what you meant, and what did you want me to get from that. I also spend a lot of time asking, what does that mean-I’m not sure what that means to you? Oh, and somehow I always make my way around to, this is how I feel about what you said (I need work on that one.) He probably doesn’t want to hear my “feelings” about everything he says.:)
I try so hard to make it very clear what I want, need, like, etc…But, since my husband and I are still learning each other’s language the barrier between the two still creates some issues.
And we women like men to just get it sometimes. It doesn’t work well for me to explain to my husband how I want him to impulsively pursue something with me, to then have to tell him in the moment-hey, will you please stop playing your computer game and come impulsively do this with me. We women want the romance of our husbands pursuing us with passion, energy and forethought. Intuition is not a talent some people possess. Yes, women tend to be more intuitive than men, but intuition is something men are capable of developing.
I’m fairly confident many women want what I want. Don’t you just want your guy to get up, and Go For It, because good grief after a while he should have some idea who you are, what you want, what you need, what you don’t like, what you don’t need (the way he keeps biting your ear when you have told him that doesn’t do it for you.)Sorry about that, TMI.:)
My husband tries so hard and given the insane number of ways my hormones control my desires in the course of a month the man is going to have his hands full for years to come. We are finding our way through the language barriers as well as all the faulty perceptions that get in the way.
It is so worth the effort!
October 2, 2008 at 2:40 pm. Permalink.