Comments on: He doesn’t know what you want

By: Tania Breard

Tania Breard — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:40:36 +0000

Yes, yes, by now we “know” communication is the key to a good relationship, with anyone for that matter. HOWEVER, let’s fact it you may both be speaking English, but regardless of how loud and slow you may be speaking it, sometimes, there is a major breakdown.
This brings to mind a scene from Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation in which the elderly uncle who is visiting turns to his wife and very slowly, using his hands for emphasis, distinctly says, “The blessing, the blessing.” Sorry, I digress….
However, men and women must feel that way at times, you find yourself desperate to “get your point” across.” Geez!
I now do the elementary “good communication” thing with my husband. I listen, this is what I heard, is that what you meant, and what did you want me to get from that. I also spend a lot of time asking, what does that mean-I’m not sure what that means to you? Oh, and somehow I always make my way around to, this is how I feel about what you said (I need work on that one.) He probably doesn’t want to hear my “feelings” about everything he says.:)
I try so hard to make it very clear what I want, need, like, etc…But, since my husband and I are still learning each other’s language the barrier between the two still creates some issues.
And we women like men to just get it sometimes. It doesn’t work well for me to explain to my husband how I want him to impulsively pursue something with me, to then have to tell him in the moment-hey, will you please stop playing your computer game and come impulsively do this with me. We women want the romance of our husbands pursuing us with passion, energy and forethought. Intuition is not a talent some people possess. Yes, women tend to be more intuitive than men, but intuition is something men are capable of developing.
I’m fairly confident many women want what I want. Don’t you just want your guy to get up, and Go For It, because good grief after a while he should have some idea who you are, what you want, what you need, what you don’t like, what you don’t need (the way he keeps biting your ear when you have told him that doesn’t do it for you.)Sorry about that, TMI.:)
My husband tries so hard and given the insane number of ways my hormones control my desires in the course of a month the man is going to have his hands full for years to come. We are finding our way through the language barriers as well as all the faulty perceptions that get in the way.
It is so worth the effort!

By: A.Y. Siu

A.Y. Siu — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:50:55 +0000

Learn to say, “I’ve been craving Italian.” Learn to say, “I’d rather have a Snickers Bar.” Learn to say, “It’s been months since you’ve [done that thing] to my [particular body part] and I want you to drive me wild.” Learn to talk to him, and he will learn to listen. I like the first one (I've been craving Italian), but the second two could easily be misconstrued as criticism (men often have fragile egos and might read criticism into harmless remarks). I'd rather have a Snickers Bar could be translated in his mind to be You got me the wrong thing, moron. Why can't you get it straight? And It’s been months since you’ve [done that thing] to my [particular body part] and I want you to drive me wild. he could take to mean You are not satisfying me sexually. You are sexually inadequate. Men, like dogs, respond best to positive reinforcement. When he does something good, reward him. Do not punish him except in extreme circumstances. I think a simple I could really use a Snickers Bar or I'm craving some Snickers right now would be a great way to get across a Snickers craving without him thinking you're being critical. Same deal with You know that thing you sometimes to do to [particular part of my body]? I love it when you do that instead of It's been months since...

By: Lindsey

Lindsey — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:18:23 +0000

Everyone: Thank you!
Mssc54: I’ve heard that conversation before, I’m thinking… *sigh*
Anita: So true! It happens in every relationship, doesn’t it? I suppose I write from the hetero world view so I sometimes forget that it doesn’t matter the gender- what matters is that little voice that wants to be seen and cherished and understood completely without any effort involved. But Jesus is the only one who can truly do that for us- with everyone else it takes work.
RWG: I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily a bad place, it’s just a place that happens. You put a lot of work into understanding your friends, but I’d wager there are still things that go unsaid and things that you take for granted. Not that you mean too, it just happens. With a marriage it takes daily maintenance. People change over time. The little things that would have floored me when we first got married might not have the same effect now that we have kids, for example. And it’s easy, almost sickeningly easy, to forget that the relationship needs maintaining. And that’s just in my own life- some people never learn how to be truly intimate with each other in the first place.

By: Weekly Fruit Salad - Nummer elva « SanityFound’s Rambling’s

Weekly Fruit Salad - Nummer elva « SanityFound’s Rambling’s — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 10:41:30 +0000

[...] we don’t know what we want never mind what others want. We forget to ask, we forget to talk, we forget to laugh. Soon before we know it 61 [...]

By: Red Wine Gums

Red Wine Gums — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:14:03 +0000

I definitely get the whole he/she loves me so should know X idea. I have that with friends to a certain extent. The salad bar story is a funny one alright because I can relate to it but in more of a how we interact way. Sometimes I wonder how friends can miss how I want them to relate to me.

With new friendships I just lay it out from the beginning who I am, how I work and how I prefer to interact. This doesn’t mean I expect to get all or everything. I just want to give the other person a fuller understanding of me. I seek to get the same from them through observation and interaction. Not sure if I’d have picked up on the peas and corn in the salad. How often do you eat salad?

Maybe I’m weird but if I had a romantic relationship I would expect open and honest communication from the start. Not even romantic relationships. All my relationships. I don’t think I want to know you if you’re not going to be honest about your needs and expectations with me. I assume everything is alright unless told. This doesn’t mean I don’t pick up on issues or tension below the surface but I remember receiving an email that started with “It’s time I was honest with you”. It was simultaneously a blow to the heart and a switch that flicked on the anger because it felt like deception.

It’s all ahead of me I know. I guess I just read so many posts like this in various media and I wonder what goes so wrong that you get to a situation like that.

By: e2tc

e2tc — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 23:03:50 +0000

anita, I love your salad bar story!

By: Matty

Matty — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 21:16:31 +0000

Lindsey,

Well written, as always. I can attest, first hand, to the destructive power of NOT communicating. Thanks to you for this wonderful reminder.

SDG,
Matty

By: anita

anita — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 20:01:12 +0000

I would imagine that the gap between what a man knows that a woman wants and what a woman knows that another woman wants might be a little more expansive, but really, whatever the gender of the person wearing the matching wedding band they’re going to need some assistance in knowing what you want whether at the salad bar or in the bed. No one can read our minds 100% of the time even if they’re our spouse and closest friend though I think it’s hard to let go of the idea that if she/he really loved me he/she would know I want enchiladas tonight and not sushi.

One thing we have down in our household is communication (the beauty of a lesbian home where both have done their share of therapy and personal growth), and we’re learned through funny little moments.

Take for example the time that my beloved went to the grocery store to make us both salads at the salad bar. “What would you like in your salad?” she asked. “Oh, you know what I like” I answered. When she returned I opened the salad container, looked inside and started to cry, “There aren’t any peas or corns in the salad. I get peas and corn every time we go to the salad bar. How could you not know that? How could you not have noticed after all this time?”

I snapped because for some weird it’s all about me if you love reasoning, I thought the poor woman should be fully knowledgeable of my salad bar ingredients without me telling her; as if that was the sign of true love. We laugh about it to this day and still, every time she runs to the store to make salads for us, she says, “And let me see, that’s peas and corn, right?”

She makes me the best salads ever!

By: mssc54

mssc54 — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 19:43:57 +0000

IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER WORK.

Husband: Honey, what do you want to do this weekend?

Wife: I don’t kow I really haven’t given it much thought. What do you want to do?

Husband: I don’t know. Do you want to go to a movie or dinner, to the beach?

Wife: I’m not sure… are there any decent movies out this week?

Husband: I haven’t looked, (now checking on the net). Well there’s this new movie about yadda yadda yadda or this other one about yadda yadda yadda. Do either one of those sound good to you?

Wife: Not really….

Husband: (quietly opens the link to his favorite blogs and another weekend goes by). Sigh.

Wife: (on Sunday afternoon) Gosh, I wish we would start doing something on weekends.

Husband: Gosh Honey, that’s a great idea. Do you have any suggestions?

See top of post for the do over.

By: mspennylane

mspennylane — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 16:26:05 +0000

That was a really nice post, especially “he chose you and part of the reason he did that is because he wants to make you happy”. It is odd how we can’t just say exactly what we want. I am the worst for that!