The reasons for sex being such a taboo topic in Christian circles is a little baffling for me.  Married Christians seem far less timid about the topic, and if you’re already married and having sex chances are you can find a class or conference on the topic of how to “save” your sexual relationship and grow to deeper intimacy.  The thing I personally find so intriguing about this state of affairs is that if people were honest about sex and sexuality prior to being married and engaging in the act, there might be less marriages that find their intimate relations in need of “salvation”.

It’s not uncommon to find a young Christian girl who has never seen a man naked, never kissed someone other than her fiancé (or perhaps hasn’t even kissed him) never seen anything other than black and white textbook drawings of male anatomy and never so much as talked in candid detail about sexuality with anyone other than her friends, who are just as confused. So how is the wedding night supposed to be anything other than the awkward fumblings of two people who are both confused and terrified, embarrassed of their own bodies and unable to do anything but stare awkwardly at the bodies of their partners?  Other than knowing that A goes into B, they know nothing.

It’s no wonder that a lot of the couples I know are embarrassed about their first time together and would rather never talk about it again.  It’s really a shame, I think, that what is meant to be a romantic, spiritual and symbolic event instead becomes a short, painful and shameful experience.  I know one girl who had so much discomfort and embarrassment that she confided in me that she didn’t want to have sex ever again.  She didn’t know what to say to her new husband, because he had thought that it was a beautiful experience, and she’d been too ashamed to mention her own pain and discomfort at the time, and afterwards was too heartbroken to mention she’d lied.

Honestly, I think the Church as a whole should be embarrassed that these are the kinds of experiences they are giving their newlyweds.  It’s no wonder that when we make marriage and intimacy taboo, a kind of “members only” club, that kids would become curious and explore on their own.  Honesty about what sexuality is, the role it plays, and the reason for it’s being something sacred and saved for marriage can only benefit everyone involved, including the married couples.  The better prepared newlyweds are for the sexual journey they undertake together, the better of an experience it will be.  And encouraging honesty about sexual experiences benefits older married couples, as well, even if it is only for the honor they gain from being able to mentor younger couples.  And if teenagers curious about sexuality are showed both sides of the coin- not just the pleasure, but the possibility for discomfort and pain, the awkwardness of learning to give another person pleasure, the fears that come from pregnancy scares and the possibility of disease, the numerous complications that all forms of birth control can bestow, and on, and on, and on…  the more likely they will be to think not just about the pleasure they are being barred from but the responsibility they are being protected from as well.

Parents should also keep in mind the intimacy they can foster with their children by being honest about their own sexuality.  I was fortunate in that my mother is an OB/GYN, and she raised me in a very open and sincere way when it came to sexuality.  She would talk with me about her own experiences, but also in great detail about the kinds of situations she came across in her line of work.  It wasn’t uncommon for her to tell me about seeing a fifteen year old girl who was pregnant and had multiple STDs.  She’d say, “it’s my greatest fear to see you on that table, crying like that.”  And I learned to think not only in terms of my own pleasure but the ripple effects that my choices could have on all around me.  I’ve known other people whose parents chose honesty about intimacy as a way of parenting, and those people all ended up with very intimate and real relationships with their parents, and all of them waited to have sex as well.  Honesty pays high dividends, if only in the intimacy it affords one’s relationships.

That’s all for the moment.

Questions, comments, accusations…  you know where to put them.  (In the comments, silly!  )