Sex, Intimacy, Honesty, and Christianity
The reasons for sex being such a taboo topic in Christian circles is a little baffling for me. Married Christians seem far less timid about the topic, and if you’re already married and having sex chances are you can find a class or conference on the topic of how to “save” your sexual relationship and grow to deeper intimacy. The thing I personally find so intriguing about this state of affairs is that if people were honest about sex and sexuality prior to being married and engaging in the act, there might be less marriages that find their intimate relations in need of “salvation”.
It’s not uncommon to find a young Christian girl who has never seen a man naked, never kissed someone other than her fiancé (or perhaps hasn’t even kissed him) never seen anything other than black and white textbook drawings of male anatomy and never so much as talked in candid detail about sexuality with anyone other than her friends, who are just as confused. So how is the wedding night supposed to be anything other than the awkward fumblings of two people who are both confused and terrified, embarrassed of their own bodies and unable to do anything but stare awkwardly at the bodies of their partners? Other than knowing that A goes into B, they know nothing.
It’s no wonder that a lot of the couples I know are embarrassed about their first time together and would rather never talk about it again. It’s really a shame, I think, that what is meant to be a romantic, spiritual and symbolic event instead becomes a short, painful and shameful experience. I know one girl who had so much discomfort and embarrassment that she confided in me that she didn’t want to have sex ever again. She didn’t know what to say to her new husband, because he had thought that it was a beautiful experience, and she’d been too ashamed to mention her own pain and discomfort at the time, and afterwards was too heartbroken to mention she’d lied.
Honestly, I think the Church as a whole should be embarrassed that these are the kinds of experiences they are giving their newlyweds. It’s no wonder that when we make marriage and intimacy taboo, a kind of “members only” club, that kids would become curious and explore on their own. Honesty about what sexuality is, the role it plays, and the reason for it’s being something sacred and saved for marriage can only benefit everyone involved, including the married couples. The better prepared newlyweds are for the sexual journey they undertake together, the better of an experience it will be. And encouraging honesty about sexual experiences benefits older married couples, as well, even if it is only for the honor they gain from being able to mentor younger couples. And if teenagers curious about sexuality are showed both sides of the coin- not just the pleasure, but the possibility for discomfort and pain, the awkwardness of learning to give another person pleasure, the fears that come from pregnancy scares and the possibility of disease, the numerous complications that all forms of birth control can bestow, and on, and on, and on… the more likely they will be to think not just about the pleasure they are being barred from but the responsibility they are being protected from as well.
Parents should also keep in mind the intimacy they can foster with their children by being honest about their own sexuality. I was fortunate in that my mother is an OB/GYN, and she raised me in a very open and sincere way when it came to sexuality. She would talk with me about her own experiences, but also in great detail about the kinds of situations she came across in her line of work. It wasn’t uncommon for her to tell me about seeing a fifteen year old girl who was pregnant and had multiple STDs. She’d say, “it’s my greatest fear to see you on that table, crying like that.” And I learned to think not only in terms of my own pleasure but the ripple effects that my choices could have on all around me. I’ve known other people whose parents chose honesty about intimacy as a way of parenting, and those people all ended up with very intimate and real relationships with their parents, and all of them waited to have sex as well. Honesty pays high dividends, if only in the intimacy it affords one’s relationships.
That’s all for the moment.
Questions, comments, accusations… you know where to put them. (In the comments, silly! 
)
Tony replied:
I’ve seen both extremes in this regard. I’ve met true christians who find sexuality taboo to the point of extreme ignorance and discomfort, and then I’ve seen the families who are far-too open about their sexual experiences with their kids. It’s not that talking about sex makes me uncomfortable, but when sex is a common discussion at the dinner table kids do lose a bit of the fear associated with it, also sexually enlightened 16 year-old girls are not exactly a good thing in that they tend to gravitate to more “experienced” men rather than exploring sexuality with people their own age.
Personally I think proper parenting lies somewhere in the middle, kids should learn to be unashamed of their bodies and thoughts, but they don’t need to be raised knowing the difference between a clitoral and g-spot orgasm and how to clench one’s PC muscles.
And yes, repercussions are a huge thing. That’s really what it should be about, not that sex is a “sin” or dirty or shameful, but that it has consequences. If a teenage girl in your neighborhood ends up pregnant then tactfully explain why this will cause her problems. As your mom explained to you her greatest fear, parents should explain to their kids *why* they don’t want miss girlfriend up in son’s room half the night. But on the same token, parent’s need to realize that kids will have sex, and with that realization they should understand that giving them the tools and knowledge to not screw up their lives in the process is important.
Anyhow… I’m running on long. Viva la Sex… or whatever sex is in Spanish.
August 28, 2008 at 3:18 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Well, there’s a lot of space between never talking about it until it becomes a problem and explaining different orgasms in detail to a young girl. I think the balance is in leaving an appropriate amount of mystery, especially since every woman’s anatomy is different and what works for one won’t work for another. Can you imagine if a guy came to his first sexual experience with a detailed list of erogenous zones and what to engage when, etc, etc? It would be all work! No play!
Parents should leave a lot of that stuff alone. But talking about the basics is good, talking about the risks is REALLY good, and talking about the responsibility that comes with experience is also a GOOD THING.
VIVA EL SEXO! (Yes, sex in spanish is masculine. *eye roll*)
August 28, 2008 at 4:11 pm. Permalink.
Danny M Reed replied:
My step-daughter just gave birth to a healthy son from an abusive boyfriend. I am happy he is healthy but I worry about the abuse more than ever. She is 21 and has been on birth control pills five years. Their lives and our lives are changed.
I have been married 18 years and there is plenty of mystery to last a lifetime. My wife has four orgasm centers to my one. There is more to it than pleasure. To study addiction they wired the pleasure center of a rat’s brain to a stimulus delivery lever to be operated by the rat. The rat simply kept hitting the lever until it collapsed. It would ignore food, water, sleep and everything else.
I find sex is connected not only to curiosity and pleasure but also fear and disgust. Love and commitment is the only antidote. That’s why half of all marriages fail and most uncommitted relationships dissolve. Love and commitment die first.
Christ was an anatomically correct fully functional perfect man; the last Adam. The Devil tempted him with food and power, not sex. He was sexually mature enough to have close female friends and not forget his mission on earth by settling down.
Sex mania today is stirred up by the angels that gave up heaven to become men and have sex with women thousands of years ago. The Flood destroyed their giant bully offspring and they dematerialized leaving their wives and children to drown.
God’s parting gift to Adam and Eve were long garments of skin to replace the skimpy leaves they sewed together. They looked great naked, they were married, and there was no one else around so why the long garments of skin? Their kids.
When my step-daughter’s were curious about my anatomy I bought a small statue reproduction of a naked David at a garage sale and gave it to them. That’s basically what I am supposed to look like. That was my contribution to education.
Internet sex is the point and click version of the rat with the wired pleasure center. Christians and others are dropping like flies, collapsing in spiritual exhaustion from neglect, self-abuse, acting out and in. Love and commitment are dying painfully.
I think a program of rigorous honesty can save you if you want or need it. Nothing is a problem until it is a problem. This is beyond guilt, shame, remorse and regret. Sex can be the mother of all behavioral addictions, filling you with fear and disgust.
I looked up the biographies of former pornographic performers and found so many have died unnatural and violent deaths after living with mental, emotional and physical illness and degrading lifestyles. For some, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone. Youth, health, beauty, popularity and wealth fade. What an educational experience! No one wants to know or care about the life and environment of a sex worker. It’s as though they are disposable tissue. Ever notice the environment of ANY addictive behavior? It gives new meaning to Mom’s rule about washing your hands after using the bathroom.
My advice is go on a sex diet until you can find a person you can really love and commit to. The Sexual Revolution from the 1960’s experiment is sick and ugly. Christ said don’t even dwell on it. Paul said keep it in it’s place, married or not. I wish I had done more to educate my step-daughters. Maybe they wouldn’t be so needy. But I couldn’t replace their natural father who left a big hole in their soul. That hole is a hunger they try desperately to fill with sex. It’s like trying to live on junk food. Never any good healthy satisfaction. What about my new grandson?
I know the hormones really pump through your body day and night as they do me. But it is just like hunger. If you don’t control what you eat their are consequences. And it isn’t pretty if you lose control. It feels even worse than it looks. Painful.
August 28, 2008 at 8:33 pm. Permalink.
goldnsilver replied:
I’m on your side with the sex ed Lindsey. Sex is inevitable, one should be able to grasp the simple ideas before just ‘diving in’. Its incredibly ignorant and selfish of parents to just think that because its improper that they shouldn’t educate their children on the bare minimum.
I think one of the most important things that should be taught to a woman is that the first time will generally suck – a mother must emphasise this. Not to discourage, but so they don’t get the ‘perfect first time’ image in their head (which I think is particularly prevalent in a girl who has ‘waited till marriage’). Even if they have a loving partner, even if they kind of know what they are doing, it will still hurt like a mofo.
Personally, I think ‘waiting till marriage’ is a set up doomed to fail. Two people who have no idea if they are even sexually compatible getting married is not a good idea. I’m on the ‘try before you buy’ team.
August 28, 2008 at 10:43 pm. Permalink.
mssc54 replied:
Lindsay; I can’t believe you used the term “state of affairs” on a subject about sex. lol
You go on and on about all of the logical “reasons” husbands and wives, boys and girls, mothers and fathers (okay you didn’t use each of these terms but they were implied, ha).
However, you leave out the most important element of this equation. The Omniscient One! I believe if the mother, the father and the children are all followers of the Christ then when that special night comes after the wedding then…. Well, God’s will done God’s way, has God’s provision. I’ve just seen it in so many instances.
When we humans try to do things “the right way” is more likely when it gets all screwed up (punn intended).
August 29, 2008 at 12:36 am. Permalink.