Wives, Submit to your Husbands
Ephesians 5:22- 24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
These verses make a lot of women uncomfortable, and even more women angry. (And, don’t worry, girls- I’ll be poking the husbands later in “husbands, love your wives.”)
I think that a lot of the frustration with Ephesians 5- not just with these verses, but with the entire chapter- is that we misunderstand what the end goal is. It’s not in defining lines of who is above whom and who matters most. It’s about helping us to lead happy, healthy lives. We are told as believers to submit to ONE ANOTHER in Christ. Children are to honor their parents, slaves their masters, masters to treat their slaves well, and thusly.
People usually cherry pick the verses about marriage. Why? Well, because the other ones can get sticky. Why? Because no one likes thinking too much about submitting and honoring. Why? Because of that inevitable question: “What about when the other person is WRONG?”
So let’s talk about that, briefly. What if I, as a wife, am unsettled about a choice my husband has made? Or if I, as a parent, make a choice for my child’s life that they feel is wrong? Or if my husband’s employer makes a demand of him that he feels is unfair or harmful? What does a good Christian do?
We should do the uncomfortable thing- we honor each other as before God, and trust God to be a good mediator and the lifter of our heads. Yeah, I know, it’s painful. No one likes reading those words because it means that we will inevitably have to endure hardship in our relationships. It means we’re going to have to go places we don’t want to go. It means we don’t get to have our way. Let me ask you all a question that may not be taken well:
What, exactly, makes us feel like we have the right to have our way?
I’m not being tongue in cheek or sarcastic. I am sincerely asking that question. Where, in the Bible, does it ever uphold someone’s right to be selfish? Where does it say that the wife has a right to demand that her financial security come first? That she ought to undermine the way her husband wants to discipline the children? That if she wants him at home and there’s a boys night out she actually should call him selfish and throw a public snit that embarrasses him? Women can be selfish. (I know, I know, I’ll get to the men tomorrow, I promise!)
God commands us to submit for a reason. Because we, as Christians, need to learn to set ourselves aside. We need to learn to treasure our spouses as we treasure ourselves. And God knows that if the shoe were on the other foot, if we were the ones making a bad financial decision, if we were the ones laying the lines of discipline, if it was a GIRL’S night out that would be missed, we’d want our husbands to put us first. We’d want to feel him honoring us.
And why would he, if we didn’t honor him first?
Submission isn’t subordination. It isn’t saying that we are beneath him by default. It’s not saying that we are less valuable or important. It is our gift to our spouses, our way of affirming our love for them and displaying our trust in them and in God. We submit to show that we trust that they are taking care of us, that they will continue to do it. We submit to honor. We honor to show that we ourselves are worthy of being honored.
Think of each act of putting yourself aside (be it with your husband, your family, or your boss) as a speech. What you are saying isn’t “I am less valuable than you”, but instead:
I love you more than I love myself. And I am strong enough to not always need to get my way.
Jen replied:
Great post! Understanding that submission “isn’t subordination” is one thing I think a lot of people misunderstand. It’s something I struggled with at first when I first got married, but then stumbled upon Dr. Emerson Eggrich’s book “Love & Respect” and that verse became so much easier to understand and apply…and knowing when and how to honor my husband not only improved our marriage but also INCREASED his show of affection and love towards me.
January 27, 2009 at 5:38 pm. Permalink.
needle replied:
I think you’ve chosen a great verse to write about, because this is one of the verses in the Bible that bugs me the most. My ex-fiance used to interpret this as subordination, plain and simple, and it’s one of the reasons we broke up in the end– I wouldn’t do it. So to see a sane, normal perspective on this is quite heartening.
I’m still not quite sure why women must honor and men must love. Maybe that will become clear when you post the other one.
January 27, 2009 at 6:40 pm. Permalink.
goldnsilver replied:
I’m looking forward to your post on men loving their wives.
However, I can’t really agree with this verse, even after your explanation – which seems a little thin, I feel as if your either looking into it a little too much or trying to dig out some sort of less offensive meaning. It’s a nice interpretation of the ideas behind it, yet the actuality is pretty clear. You can’t get around it.
so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
So I have to agree with all my husbands ideas just because he has a dick and I a vagina? No thanks.
January 27, 2009 at 10:47 pm. Permalink.
stiofainod replied:
Looking forward to part two. Will reserve commenting until then
January 27, 2009 at 10:50 pm. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Jen and Needle: Thanks,ladies!
goldnsilver: Well, it goes like this. The entire chapter of Ephesians 5 is about how we, as Christians, should relate to each other. And the relationship between husband and wives is treated as an analogy between Christ and the Church. It says that husbands are to give their lives up for their wives as Christ did for the church, presenting her to themselves as holy and blameless, and that in return wives should honor their husbands.
You can’t really take in the wholeness of these verses without understanding that (which I’ll get into in more depth tomorrow) but the basic gist is this- if your husband is loving you as he loves his own body, presenting you to himself as without blemish, then submitting to him is a small gesture in return.
The problem with the way these verses are traditionally taught is that they are all about submit,submit, submit, without treating both spouses equally. Because it would be impossible for a woman to submit to a man as she does to Christ if that man isn’t behaving like Christ to her.
End of story.
January 27, 2009 at 10:54 pm. Permalink.
Nicole replied:
Great post, Lindsey. Simple and straightforward and right to the crux of the matter.
January 27, 2009 at 11:52 pm. Permalink.
goldnsilver replied:
if your husband is loving you as he loves his own body, presenting you to himself as without blemish, then submitting to him is a small gesture in return.
Because it would be impossible for a woman to submit to a man as she does to Christ if that man isn’t behaving like Christ to her.
I just don’t think any living person can do that (be like Christ) – so in return no woman should have to submit to her husband. But I guarantee that, as Jen said, people will always try to impose this verse first.
Still, thanks for clarrification.
January 28, 2009 at 3:09 am. Permalink.
christam replied:
what if your spouse is not a believer, and is making decisions that harm the moral or religious upbringing of your children? what if the spouse puts his interests above those of his family? i agree with you, and your interpretation of this verse. and i’ve read a book that mentions that you continue to submit, and consider it an offering to God. i still beg the question, what about the little ones, the innocence that could be harmed from the situation? what if their spiritual well being is in jeopardy?
January 28, 2009 at 3:19 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
goldnsilver: That’s why I always say that submission is a choice, not a constant state. Because husbands will inevitably fail. Thus women are not subordinate to men, but instead they choose to belong to them out of mutual devotion. As you’ll see tomorrow, I actually believe the Bible asks FAR more from men than it does from women.
Christam: These verses are in a passage directed towards the church and about relationships within the church- I think the command is inseparable from the belief that both partners are honoring each other and turning to God in devotion. If only one partner is a believer, I don’t think this dynamic works at all. A woman can’t honor her husband as if that is honoring God when what he requests of her are things that God commands her otherwise in, can she? If she harms herself or her children or allows her family to be put into jeopardy, how is that honoring God?
January 28, 2009 at 3:36 am. Permalink.
christam replied:
i haven’t read your newest post yet, but i found this scripture, which is what that book was referring to. i can’t remember the book’s name – i couldn’t finish it because of their interpretation of this scripture:
1 Pet 3: 1-6
“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” (NKJV)
i’m not saying that i agree with their premise – to submit without a mind to how it can harm you or your children. such a situation needs much prayer. however, it can be argued any sacrifice can be to the glory of God. God himself allowed His own Son to come to harm for the salvation of the world. i’m not likening my proposition to that. giving the situation over to God is the only solution. i just thought i’d grab your opinion on that particular situation. thanks. blog on!!
January 29, 2009 at 1:42 am. Permalink.
Lindsey replied:
Christam: Thanks for responding! I think I see what you’re getting at more clearly. And while I agree with the verse, I think it’s intention is often abused. Can being truly and passionately loved and served win someone over? Absolutely. But the Submission spoken of by Peter is not the same submission spoken of in Ephesians. One is “lovingly submit”, the other is “submit in all things as unto Christ.” Wow. What a difference. In one, the wife’s submission is an extension of her servanthood to all mankind as a Christian, in the other she is living an analogy to Christ and the Church. In one, her husband is NOT the spiritual head of her household, in the other he is.
All wives should love and serve their husbands. All Christians should treat each other with compassion and forgiveness. These things go without saying. And treating someone better than they treat you can have a tremendous impact on the way they view you and your faith. And a wife of an unbeliever should view her service to him as a gift to God, as an example of her faith, as loving worship of her heavenly father. But she CAN NOT submit in everything if doing so comes at a cost to her faith. Especially if children are being hurt in the cross fire.
January 29, 2009 at 2:50 pm. Permalink.
faemom replied:
Great post, Lindsey. Great comments. I have always written off those lines as history; that’s how it was, not how it is. I think you explained it well. No one can submit to a tyrant. So when there is respect on both sides, then both sides can submit to better judgement. I feel we don’t understand the idea of submit, just like forgiveness. You can’t forgive someone who is continuing to hurt you, and you can’t submit to someone who does not love and care for you. Did I get it right?
I still hate the word submit
January 29, 2009 at 10:15 pm. Permalink.
kelli replied:
We all know the first part:
Ephesians 5:
“22Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
But we often forget the second part:
25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
Men have a role and duty within a marriage to love their wives JUST AS MUCH AS JESUS LOVED THE CHURCH.
When they dishonor their wive’s wishes and their wive’s hearts, are they truly loving them?
There is a balance structure here created in perfection by God.
February 27, 2009 at 4:25 am. Permalink.