2013, how I hate and love you.

Everyone is posting their “year in review” things, and I find it hard to deal with mine.  Oh, my year.  In some ways this was a good year.  I graduated from community college, I was admitted into a teacher certification program, I had a good garden and I learned a lot and I’m ready for the next year.

But it was a bad year.  My husband and I are still trying to figure out how to live with each other again, my kids have been exploding all over the place, and we’re ending the year with my father-in-law in a coma.

So, 2013, thank you for the good moments.  Thank you for the Apricots and tomatoes, thank you for the  nights writing that paid off in good learning and grades, thank you for the self-discovery.  Thank you for the knowledge that I can deal with far more than I ever thought I could deal with, that I can love better than I had loved, that I can carry more than I’ve ever been capable of carrying.

I’d love for you to give my father-in-law back before you go, though.  If you could do that for me, I’d be really grateful.

Philosophers talk about the balance in life, the balance between bad and good and how one makes the other taste sweeter.  Moments like this, that feels like such utter bullshit.  I’m sorry, but it does. My graduation does not taste sweeter with my father-in-law in limbo.  The fruits of the garden do not hold a deeper pleasure.  Yes, I can tunnel my way through the grief to the pleasure but dear God that can be so exhausting.  And after the last few years of my life and all my family has been through, there’s a part of me that can no longer accept “I now know I am stronger than I thought I was” as an appropriate lesson to learn.

Yeah, universe, I got that.  I’m strong.  Next year can the lesson be that I’m better at reading novels on the beach and oozing potent sexuality than I thought I was?  That I can drink more pink margaritas than I thought I could?  That I CAN PUBLISH THE FREAKING NOVEL I’VE BEEN WRITING FOR THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT I COULD?

No?

*sigh*

But I am grateful for the sweet moments, for the little graces that have gotten me through the pain and drudgery.  I am grateful for the light at the end of the tunnel and the persisting belief that it is not an approaching train.  I am grateful for the fact that through all of the heartache I am accompanied by friends I would not trade, even for their weight in diamonds.  Yes, 2013, I realize that in many ways you have got my back.

But please, please, make Jack healthy before you go.

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2 thoughts on “2013, how I hate and love you.

  1. There is an odd sense that there is sort of a peer-pressure that every year must be “the best” or that somehow we’ve lost the game. Well, life isn’t a game. And most years can’t be “the best” or “the worst” but somewhere in between.

    I like the reflective process that comes at the end of the year — I think it’s healthy to review and ponder. But pretending that everything’s AWESOME would be awfully tiring.

    I hope that you have a very Happy New Year and that 2014 has more good than bad in its balance a year from now.

    • Thank you, Steve, I appreciate that. I dislike the that every year should be better than the last just as I dislike the idea that in a marriage your love should continually grow. There are seasons and things grow and change, and sometimes they are better and other times they are worse. And part of me does realize that is simply how life works. It is just especially difficult to cope with the celebratory feel of the season, as I’m feeling so freshly injured.

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