1. Tell the person who hurt you that you are hurt.  The assumption that offense is known and acknowledged is a dangerous one.  No matter how intimate the relationship, your spouse, family and friends are not mind readers.  If there is pain, allow it to be exposed.  Be frank.  That is when healing is possible.
2. Acknowledge wrongdoing. If you bring up thing (A) and your spouse brings up thing (B) that you did to hurt them, stop.  Breathe.  Apologize.  A true and heartfelt apology will open the door for your own hurts to be dealt with and healed.  What is more important, that you immediately achieve recognition of your own pain, or that intimacy can continue?  Be willing to be wrong, and you will find your spouse (or friends, or family) willing to admit their wrongs to you, as well.
3. Deal with the fact that you only control yourself. You can’t force humbleness, you can’t evoke change, you can’t create better intimacy by requesting it from others.  The only one you can birth those things in is yourself.  If the most important thing is the continued relationship, you will have to make sacrifices.  If the only thing that matters is your own perceived needs…  You may just go on needing, forever.
4. Always use a soft tone. You may be angry.  You may be red-in-the-face screaming angry.  You may be throwing the chairs up against the wall angry.  But if you approach the conflict that way, you immediately put everyone else on the defensive.  Use a soft tone and a gentle touch.  “Demonstrations” of anger don’t have to be loud and rude.  Softly saying, “I am angry.  I cannot deal with (this) or (that) and I need you to hear me.” will allow for the conversation to grow.
5. Use personal language- don’t say “you did this, you did that, you hurt me.”  Say, “I was hurt when this or that happened.”  “I had a bad reaction to your words.”  “You may not have meant to hurt me by saying this or that, but I was hurt.”  Do not immediately place blame.  Speak sincerely about yourself and your feelings and needs, and allow an opportunity for the offending party to take blame.
6. Don’t bring in a third party- don’t immediately bring other people into your personal problems.  It may be tempting to call your mother before broaching a subject with your spouse, but if you do and then say, “mom said this about what you did” expect the fight to continue.  If you must call someone else for emotional support, leave them out of the discussion.  Your problems with your spouse or family should remain between you and the people involved.
7. Learn how to calm yourself down.  The heat of anger can be dangerous.  Figure out what calms you down, be it breathing slowly or cleaning or fishing or yardwork or painting or handling your Wii (gaming system, for the uninitiated), and if you feel yourself losing control- go do that thing-  BUT-  never just walk out on a conversation.  Tell your spouse (or friend, or family) what you are doing.  Say, “I really want to have this conversation, but if we keep talking right now I will say things to hurt you that we will both regret and be unable to unsay.  Is it okay if I take a few hours to do (this) or (that) and we can talk after?”  If you want to sweeten the deal, you could even say, “here, take this twenty and go see a movie or get dinner while I calm down.”  That way you both feel taken care of, and the discussion can take place over calmer waters.

So, this weekend, have a happy relationship!

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who like to argue just to get their blood up.  People who don’t really even care about absolute right and wrong but just proving that they are right- even if they don’t truly believe in what they are saying.  There is a fine art to disagreeing and an even finer art to winning people over.  If what matters most to you is making people concede, you’re a jerk.  So, if what matters most to you is people respecting your beliefs, you have to learn to tame your tongue.

1. You don’t have to win to be right.  You can still be right, even if other people don’t say you are.  If you feel the need to always have other people agree with you, perhaps your convictions aren’t as strong as you think they are.  So, before getting into a discussion, ask yourself a few simple questions:  “Am I doing this to express myself?” “Do I feel like I need this person’s approval?”  “Will conceding if there is no hope of convincing them harm me in some way?”
2. Be okay with saying, “we will never come to an agreement.”   Sometimes you have to shake your head and walk away before things get ugly.  Learn to say, “we will never agree”, and leave it at that.  If the person you are talking to says that you are stupid or being unreasonable, walk away quickly.
3. If what you are discussing is strongly tied in with your beliefs beware of emotion.  It’s easy to lose track of yourself when you are defending something close to your heart.  So remember to separate the belief from the person- just because someone disagrees with your point of view does not mean they think that you are stupid.  (Or… at least…  it shouldn’t.)
4. If someone tells you that you are just stupid, stop talking.  That person is too belligerent and cannot argue their point of view, so they attack.  Explaining yourself will likely do no good.  The person with whom you’re conversing can simply continue to retort, “you are stupid.”
5. Be respectful of others, as well.  If you have the right to believe A, B and C even though others think they are wrong, that also means others have the right to believe X, Y and Z even though you think they are wrong.
6. Everything eventually comes down to personal opinion.  Even when the vast majority of facts support a single argument, people may choose to side with the minority of opinion.  Just look at elections:  there are plenty of facts to defend either candidate- yet those facts will not necessarily garner support.  Why?  Because eventually it boils down to a matter of personal preference.
7. Use good language.  Be well spoken.  There is language which is contrary and rude, and that kind of language while it may cause people to cede the point, won’t necessarily win them over.  Use gentle language, and always phrase things in a way that shows that you are aware there is a difference of opinion and that is okay.

A simple guide:

Good:  “Personally, I support Senator Obama because I like his Health care plan.”

Bad:  “You support Clinton?  Moron.”

Good:  “There are plenty of good reasons to become a vegetarian, it’s cheaper, it takes less manufacturing and thus conserves energy, etc…”

Bad:  “Barbarian.  Eating meat is murder.”

Good:  “My religious beliefs inform every aspect of my life and make it richer. I don’t care if you believe in God, but you should respect my lifestyle.”

Bad:  “You are a heathen and will burn in Hell.”

Good:  “A liberal philosophy embraces the most sacred tenets of our Constitution, like autonomy of persons and states.”

Bad:  “Conservatives are bigots and selfish fat cats.”

Perfect:  “Are you trying to engage in a discussion about my opinion or only voicing your personal beliefs?”

Atrocious:  “You’ve got to be the most ignorant person I’ve ever seen.  No, don’t open your mouth.  I can tell just from looking at you.”