Learn Tolerance, or Die Alone.
(For Kelly.)
Ever had a conversation like this?
Man: Tolerance is a destructive force. It erodes true belief.
Girl: If you never tolerate the other side’s point of view, how can you expect to have an honest debate about the issues?
Man: I’m not going to tolerate false beliefs. How can you ask me to debate the truth? The truth harbors no debate.
So… Maybe I’m watering down the true content and exaggerating the real words said for dramatic effect- but the principle remains true to form. One person takes deep offense at tolerance because in their mind it means allowing an offense to the truth to continue. Yet, simultaneously he is asking that his own views be tolerated and accepted. (Or even affirmed.)
Here is the question to ask that man: Would you rather be right and alone, or tolerant in the company of others? Because to be so unnassailably intolerant means a life of isolation. Why? Because when we go to the grocery store, we are practicing tolerance. We are offering up money to corporations who do not necessarily support our point of view. (If you are conservative, check the amount of stores who offer money to left-wing political lobbies- if you are left-wing, check the amount of stores who offer money to right wing political lobbies. Most corporations do both.) It is nigh near impossible to live in the United States of America without corporately endorsing tolerance. Paying our taxes is also an act of tolerance- as I can guarantee that no matter your affiliation, politically or religiously, our government acts on behalf of those you disagree with.
You may say, okay, this kind of tolerance-by-six-degrees-of-separation is impossible to avoid and thus must be accepted. But let’s take this a step further. Let’s look at humanity as a whole. Have you ever (even once) met someone with whom you fully agreed? We can all find people who agree with our most closely held beliefs, but at some point every relationship experiences differences. My spouse is someone who I agree with eighty percent of the time- but don’t for a second believe that the other twenty percent is insignificant. When it’s things like how to best make eggs, you can roll your eyes and let go. But sometimes in even the best relationship there is serious disagreement. What do you do then? Demand the other person agree with your point of view? Tear them down until they are forced to capitulate? Scrape away at them day after day, trying to win them to your side by hook or crook no matter what the cost?
At some point, isn’t the cost of relationship tolerance? Don’t we all have to love and accept each other despite disagreement, or never know love and acceptance at all?
Know who you really are.
I have a theory. You’ll never find happiness and fulfillment if you don’t know who you really are. You may be married to an amazing person, raising good kids, working a decent job, able to have time to relax and pursue other interests… but if you don’t really know yourself, you’ll always hunger.
Our physical bodies have this amazing capacity to know what they lack. That’s why we have an appetite. You may suddenly crave fresh fruit, or fish, or a cheeseburger. And you may think, “ah, I’m hungry” and eat potato chips or a handful of vegetables or a couple of chocolates from your snack drawer. Yet, you will continue to crave, even when your tummy is full. Why? Because you don’t really understand what your body is hungry for. It may be telling you “more vitamins!” or “more fibre!” or “more iron!” and you are filling it up with the wrong things. So even when it has an excess of calories, it still has a lack of the things it needs to be healthy.
Our daily lives are the same. Our soul aches, and from that ache comes greed and jealousy and depression, or exhaustion. We think that the answer is to work harder, to have more, to divorce the spouse that doesn’t content us, to sink money into hobbies that waste time but don’t fulfill. We search and we ache and we feed our days with all of these things, but still go to bed feeling like something is missing.
Why?
We don’t really know who we are. Like with our appetite, we lack the ability to listen to our soul and give ourselves the right priorities. If you want to paint a painting that reflects your spirit and you settle for “practical” scrapbooking, you could spend a fortune in money and time and still feel unfulfilled. If you’re working at a firm because you chose a profession that offers you stability and all your heart wants is to stand on the stage saying “that this too too sullied flesh would melt” (while rocking awesome tights), you’re going to go home every day feeling like a failure no matter how successful your career is. You may be married to an incredible person, with wonderful kids- but if every day you carry wounds you are ignoring and never healing, your relationships will suffer. The answer isn’t finding someone else who abrades you less- it’s dealing with why the abrasions are there. And here’s the secret: your hurts, while perhaps incurred in the process of dealing with one person or another, may not be their fault.
The problem may be a kink in your own spirit which you simply ignore.
So what is the answer to better interpersonal relationships? It’s not know other people better, or to choose better people to know. It’s to know yourself, to heal yourself, to feed yourself the right foods. Once you are strong and happy, you’ll be able to have a great relationship with even the most abrasive of people. Why? Because when you come from a place of strength, your strong heart bleeds happiness into everything you touch- even other people. A weak heart saps energy and turns everything into dust.
So know your heart. Feed it what it needs to be fed. Once that happens, you will be indomitable.
See your circumstances as malleable
Oh, it’s April Fool’s day. I’m supposed to do something shocking and humorous. Uh… I’m totally writing this post in my underwear. No, really, I am!
Back to our regularly scheduled programming. So far, in my “path to overcoming” we’ve covered believing in our own sufficiency, being willing to be vulnerable, recognizing God’s timing, and that I often have conversations in my head. Oh, wait, that last one was just a bonus. Today we’re going to talk about seeing our circumstances as malleable.
I remember one conversation with a friend who was threatening suicide. She kept saying, “I just can’t live like this anymore, I can’t, I can’t.” And I kept reminding her that being dead wasn’t the only way out. “But what else can change?” she responded.
The answer? Nearly everything. Some things never seem to change. You may look at your family dynamic and think that everyone is still the same as they were twenty years ago- and that may be true. But just because some things stay the same doesn’t mean that everything always MUST.
Allow me to try to explain this a different way. Look at nature. The snowmelt runs down the mountain because it must, it’s a natural directive, there is no other way. But plumbing shows that we can sometimes tweak things to our advantage, we don’t change natural law but we change natural circumstances. Water flows up in our pipes because we’ve found another way, to take that momentum of the snow melt and force it to our advantage.
Whatever your situation is: you have the power to change it. If you can’t pay your bills, you can either find a way to make more money or find a way to live off less. If you are frustrated in your relationships with your family, you can find a way to change your own patterns or a way to break them out of theirs. If work is exhausting you and making you feel trapped: simply DO NOT ACCEPT THIS AS THE WAY THINGS HAVE TO BE.
The second you accept the fact that your situation does not have to be permanent is the second you can start plotting change.
The first step to victory is accepting it as possible.
Overheard in my head
Person A: What, so all I have to do is focus really hard, and I can stop being gay?
Person B: If you pray hard enough and trust in God, yes.
Person A: So if you focused really hard, could you become gay?
Person B: Why would I want to do that?
Person A: For the sake of argument let’s imagine you do.
Person B: But why would anyone want to just be gay, just like that?
Person A: imagining you do…
Person B: But I wouldn’t ever want to.
Person A: Okay, so we’ve got a lack of imagination here.
Person B: You just need to believe that your life could be completely different than it is now.
Person A: But I wouldn’t ever want to.
(Lindsey scurries to make notes to write this into a novel someday.)
Does God care that you are gay?
A recent review of my book in Harlot’s Sauce magazine pointed out something interesting. Throughout the book there is the implication that if God cares about someone’s sexuality and wants them to change it, that through acceptance and knowledge of God they will be convicted and change. Thus, of course, the book also implies to just leave it up to God.
There is an unasked question in that scenario:
DOES GOD CARE?
I neither ask the question, nor do I answer it. I never really answer it. I felt a twinge of sadness when I read the review of my novel, because I would never want to imply that I feel that gay people ought to change. My book was written with as careful a stance as this blog is, not seeking to betray the confidences of people on either side of the aisle. Often I am accused, therefore, of betraying both.
I get asked these questions: “why aren’t you honest with your gay readers about what the Bible says?” and “why don’t you tell your fellow Christians if you don’t feel it’s a sin?” I’m t0ld, “I feel as if you’re betraying yourself by not saying it is a sin if you’re convicted that it is,” and “It hurts to think that you may think I’m a sinner, because you never really truly say otherwise.”
And it hurts, constantly, because I feel like I’m being pulled in two, I feel as if no matter what I do I will inevitably hurt my voice with either one set of loved ones or another.
But I will try, for the sake of goodness, to be as sincere as possible.
Does God care that people are gay?
Well, he certainly cares about gay people. And in one sense, that question can always be answered “yes”, just as God cares that people are happy, that they are sad, that they sin, that they don’t, that they find love, that they won’t. God always cares.
But does God want gay people to change? That question CANNOT be answered by me, and I can’t possibly be emphatic enough about that point. It’s simply not my place. Each person on this planet must answer for their own state, their own position with God. God may care about the young man who is gay not because he finds love in it but because he is trying to fix something inside himself that is broken. God may very much want for that young man to change- but is that EVERY gay man? To assume so would be absurd. We don’t know the answer- I don’t know the answer. I have spoken with some gay people who have chosen to model a heterosexual lifestyle out of a desire to please God, some who have felt that God takes pleasure in their homosexual union and families. Who has found truth?
That’s simply not my story to tell or my question to answer. It’s as simple as this: I know who I am. I am a writer, an artist, a friend, a mother. I know that I was created to be these things and live this life. But I have other friends that are called to other lives. Some people feel that by taking pleasure in things such as television and movies they are able to expand their lives and others feel called away. Some people feel a social drink or two is a pleasure, others feel God condemn it. Some feel that smoking is wrong, others don’t, some feel that sexual imagery of any kind is wrong, others don’t. Each person has, in their heart, their own set of rules, their own set of beliefs. Sometimes these are soft and moldable and sometimes they are hard and unchanging. But I do believe that each unique person has their own way of being, and God created them that way for a reason.
I don’t know why some are gay and some are not, why some find peace and some do not, why we are not able to come to a happy conclusion.
But I do know one thing, with absolute certainty: it is not my question to answer. I am to love and embrace, to help and protect, to applaud and celebrate each on their way.
Does God care that you are gay?
What do you think?
Rape, and why I think submission in “all” things is a dangerous concept to handle.
I do believe in the existence of good doctrine. And from time to time I write about those beliefs on this blog. Not in the sort of vague “it has to start with us loving each other” terms, but in terms of real verses that make real commands of us, and what I think of them.
And every time I write about these things, it gets uncomfortable. You see, for the last couple of days I’ve been involved in (and then following) a conversation on another blog about wives submitting to their husbands. The topic was breached in the absence of talking about the husbands role, and inevitably turned to the question of the wife submitting when she disagreed with her husband about something that would have long term repercussions, like family being sent to boarding school. And I tried to respond and did a poor job of vocalizing myself. So I tried to write about it here, and again did a poor job of vocalizing myself.
The idea of submission still holds a great deal of fear for all women. The idea that my husband could make any demand of me, and I would be expected to offer myself up to him as to Christ. That’s terrifying. And anyone who doesn’t find that terrifying and respect the power that such fear holds for women obviously knows very little history. There was a time when women were seen as less than men- as property, as pawns in a game of chess, as a method through which to gain an heir and keep the house clean and often little more. We all should know this fact because that time was roughly when Ephesians would have been written in the first place. And the thought of women as lesser continued for some time. Daughters were the property of their fathers while sons gained autonomy, wives were possessions, women were thought of to gain a soul later in life then men, to be more prone to witchcraft and evil, to need this evil purged from them by a heavy hand as much as possible.
Women were on a level above cattle, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like much of one. Honestly. The right to vote and hold property is still a historically recent one.
And the idea that a husband “can’t” rape his wife is still one being debated in some circles.
So let’s talk about submission, in frank terms, and let’s not mince words. Does anyone reading this believe that I should submit to my husband if he allocates money that needs to go to feeding my children to buy himself a gaming system? Does anyone believe that Ephesians five requires me to submit myself to his will when he demands sex and I’m ill, or tired, or otherwise not compliantly disposed to the idea? Does anyone believe that if my husband heard a word that he should take a second wife, that I should say, “yes dear?” I’m hoping most would say no, because these are extreme examples.
But what about less extreme examples? What if I am sick, and exhausted, and don’t have the energy to cook a meal, and my husband complains that he’s been working all day and shouldn’t have to work at home? Or what if I haven’t seen my family in over half a year and he demands that we spend Christmas with his, meaning that I won’t get to see mine? Or what if I feel God is calling me to a position in my local church body and my husband says that he will not have his wife teaching other men, and forbids me to do it?
Do I really submit to him in all things, to the cost of my body, my family, my calling?
Or by submitting to my husband, would I in some things draw myself further away from God? In order for both my husband and I to follow God and serve him with all our hearts, my submission to him MUST follow, CANNOT be without his submission to God and his loving me as his own body. These things are NOT seperable. Likewise his loving me as his own body and cleansing me as Christ cleansed the church MUST be, CANNOT be without my submission to him.
Both parties must obey God in their commands, or one will get hurt. That is the beauty of the arrangement- the two become one, or they don’t function, period.
Now, in case I haven’t made myself clear:
- The wife does not, by submitting, become her husband’s possession or subordinate. She is his servant, but by choice alone.
- The husband, should he demonstrate a pattern of making unfair demands or abusing his wife’s submissive position, is not acting in a holy manner and should be called on it- first by his wife, then by his church.
- Both partners serve God first and each other second- if either one interferes with the other’s servitude to God, something is wrong.
- Children come first. If either one places demands on the other that interferes with the raising of their children, something is wrong.
- If something is wrong, both need to go before God and their local spiritual leaders and sort it all out.
I’ve seen numerous books on the subject which talk about how women can win over their husbands through loving submission. And at it’s root it’s not a bad thing. It’s in the Bible! The problem comes when it’s taken to far. Anything, no matter how good, no matter how holy, becomes bad when not delt with in reason and moderation. When a woman stays with a drunk who is abusing her kids to win him over in loving submission, it’s not good. When a wife does nothing about her husband overpowering and raping her to win him over in loving submission, I am sure that is not what God intended.
These concepts must be handled with the respect they deserve, because mishandling them takes advantage of weakness and can lead to real damage.
And I guess that’s what I needed to say.
Husbands, Love your Wives
*drumroll*
Ephesians 5: 25-33 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Much ado has been made about wives “submitting” to their husbands. I feel the need to point out that the passage about submission starts out with a blanket statement to all, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” It’s not just WIVES submitting to HUSBANDS, people, it’s ALL of us, submitting to EACH OTHER. As I am called to submit to my husband I am also called to submit to my pastor, my fellow believers, my employers, everyone. Obviously, given this case, we all seem to misunderstand what submission in this context means. It does NOT mean subordination, it does NOT mean becoming an extension of someone else’s will. By submission it means what in other contexts is called meekness, humility, cooperation. It means allowing ourselves to become servants.
How many times did Christ command us to become servants?
Now, as for the husbands: they carry, by far, the greater weight in this passage. Three verses are devoted to the women as opposed to eight reserved for the men. Women are told (paraphrased) “submit to your husbands as before God, for Christ is the head of the church, so submit to your husband as you would to Christ in everything.” This only truly makes sense when followed by the verses devoted to the husband. And, in fact, Paul’s command to the women can only truly be followed in the letter of the law should the husband do as he was commanded. I, as a woman, cannot submit to my husband AS I would to God unless he is acting on God’s behalf towards me. For when I serve God I can obey him with pleasure in everything, knowing that his will for my life is for my own benefit and all of his commands are good, that his burden is light, and so on. My husband, on the other hand, is fallible. I do not know that all of his plans for my life are solely for my benefit, that obeying him would not be burdensome, and so on. So the only way I can treat my husbands wishes with the same weight I would God’s is if I know that my husband is following God when making his wishes.
Thus, the commandment to wives hinges on the following to husbands: that they give themselves up for her, that they cleanse her with washing in the word, that they present her to themselves as pure and radiant, without wrinkle or blemish, holy and blameless. This command is not all, though! They must love her AS THEY LOVE THEIR OWN BODIES. I love my body a lot. A do a lot to serve it throughout the day: I sleep, I eat, I exercise, I bathe. If my body is sick I have to drop everything to care for it. If my body is in pain I am keenly aware of it and do everything I can to assuage that pain until it is gone. I am inseperable from my body, I cease to be if my body ceases to be, to fight my body’s will is incredibly difficult, as my body is my self.
And that, my friends, is how husbands are asked to view their wives.
Let’s talk about submission. Submission being to put one’s self under the authority of, to serve the will of. Now let’s compare that to the two becoming one, to the will of one being inseperable from the needs of another, to all pain being one and all needs being equal. What is easier to do? To say yes dear, or to feel the pain of the other as keenly as your own, to truly give up your life for the benefit of the other?
My father teaches that all things in a marriage hinge on the husband doing his job well. If the husband is a good husband, the wife would have to be crazy not to want to serve him. If he is doing all things while taking into account her needs as if they were his own, then by serving him the wife is actually serving herself. Obviously in function this is nearly impossible, but in theory it works.
Which is why Paul points out that what he is REALLY talking about isn’t husbands and wives, it’s Christ and his followers. He isn’t talking about marriage as a societal structure, but as a way to demonstrate the breadth and beauty of Christ’s love for his bride.
But the advice works. Husbands, love your wives. But more than that: both spouses need to become each others servants. If he serves her needs as if they were his own and she serves him as if she were serving herself, both are made whole. If either one becomes a lesser partner, someone goes needy.
It’s really that simple.
Wives, Submit to your Husbands
Ephesians 5:22- 24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
These verses make a lot of women uncomfortable, and even more women angry. (And, don’t worry, girls- I’ll be poking the husbands later in “husbands, love your wives.”)
I think that a lot of the frustration with Ephesians 5- not just with these verses, but with the entire chapter- is that we misunderstand what the end goal is. It’s not in defining lines of who is above whom and who matters most. It’s about helping us to lead happy, healthy lives. We are told as believers to submit to ONE ANOTHER in Christ. Children are to honor their parents, slaves their masters, masters to treat their slaves well, and thusly.
People usually cherry pick the verses about marriage. Why? Well, because the other ones can get sticky. Why? Because no one likes thinking too much about submitting and honoring. Why? Because of that inevitable question: “What about when the other person is WRONG?”
So let’s talk about that, briefly. What if I, as a wife, am unsettled about a choice my husband has made? Or if I, as a parent, make a choice for my child’s life that they feel is wrong? Or if my husband’s employer makes a demand of him that he feels is unfair or harmful? What does a good Christian do?
We should do the uncomfortable thing- we honor each other as before God, and trust God to be a good mediator and the lifter of our heads. Yeah, I know, it’s painful. No one likes reading those words because it means that we will inevitably have to endure hardship in our relationships. It means we’re going to have to go places we don’t want to go. It means we don’t get to have our way. Let me ask you all a question that may not be taken well:
What, exactly, makes us feel like we have the right to have our way?
I’m not being tongue in cheek or sarcastic. I am sincerely asking that question. Where, in the Bible, does it ever uphold someone’s right to be selfish? Where does it say that the wife has a right to demand that her financial security come first? That she ought to undermine the way her husband wants to discipline the children? That if she wants him at home and there’s a boys night out she actually should call him selfish and throw a public snit that embarrasses him? Women can be selfish. (I know, I know, I’ll get to the men tomorrow, I promise!)
God commands us to submit for a reason. Because we, as Christians, need to learn to set ourselves aside. We need to learn to treasure our spouses as we treasure ourselves. And God knows that if the shoe were on the other foot, if we were the ones making a bad financial decision, if we were the ones laying the lines of discipline, if it was a GIRL’S night out that would be missed, we’d want our husbands to put us first. We’d want to feel him honoring us.
And why would he, if we didn’t honor him first?
Submission isn’t subordination. It isn’t saying that we are beneath him by default. It’s not saying that we are less valuable or important. It is our gift to our spouses, our way of affirming our love for them and displaying our trust in them and in God. We submit to show that we trust that they are taking care of us, that they will continue to do it. We submit to honor. We honor to show that we ourselves are worthy of being honored.
Think of each act of putting yourself aside (be it with your husband, your family, or your boss) as a speech. What you are saying isn’t “I am less valuable than you”, but instead:
I love you more than I love myself. And I am strong enough to not always need to get my way.
