No, I’m not talking about fantasy in a sci-fi/fantasy sense- I’m talking sex.
Is it wrong to fantasize? Many women will admit to fantasies of being held, talked to, emotionally stimulated in some way. They will admit that sometimes they dream about people they’ve met in passing. Not necessarily always in a strictly sexual sense, sometimes it’s just about companionship.
But if we are Christian a question remains: is it sin?
Psychologically speaking fantasy is a “safe” way in which to engage in behaviors deemed “unsafe” in reality. One knows one would pay a price for arguing with one’s mother, so one fantasizes. One knows one isn’t ever going to date Edward Norton, so one fantasizes. Fantasy can also be an exercise for certain things one is unsure of- and in this sense women have much more active fantasy lives then men. Women tend to fantasize about the course of the day, how to interact with a boss, what to make for dinner. Women tend to think about these things to a much greater extent than men. It’s not a wonder we’re often seen as a “mystery” seeing as we spend such a large amount of time in our heads. (And yes- I realize this is a gross generalization. Some men operate this way and some women simply don’t.)
Yet, the question remains: when it comes to sex, is it a sin?
Ask yourself a few questions:
- Do you ever replace real interaction, necessary interaction, with fantasy? Are there times where you know you need to discuss something, and yet you don’t? Where the anger/disatisfaction/desire you are feeling causes a rift in your relationship, and yet you continue to exorcise it with fantasy instead of interaction?
- Do you find yourself unattracted to your mate and only stimulated by fantasy? This is a major problem- and in this way fantasy can be as dangerous as pornography.
- Does your fantasy life take you out of your daily life to the point that it’s an obstruction? You know the kids staring out of the window instead of listening in class? Is this you in your job? Your marriage?
Do you throw yourself into romance novels? Soap operas? Do you find yourself hurting and longing for something that you only achieve in fantasy? While in small doses an argument can be made for the safeness and even health of fantasy, there’s a time when you need to embrace and appreciate reality.
Not to mention communication, communication, communication- perhaps if you tell your spouse that you fantasize about being spoken to in a certain way, held in a certain way, approached in a certain way, you’ll find that his eager to behave this way himself and fulfill you.
But- is it sin? In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Where is your heart? Is it with your spouse, your life? Or have you given it to something unattainable, something that is only in your head?