Unless someone rapes us, we always have a choice over whether or not to have sex.
Whether or not to have sexuality is a whole different bowl of noodles. I can say with some certainty that I am at peace with (or one with) my sexuality now, as a married woman. This has not always been the case. As a pre-pubescent child my sexuality was still forming. I was not in control of every experience I was exposed to at that point. I was sexually abused by an older boy, something that had a far reaching effect on my still forming sexual identity. Not only could I not control it; I wasn’t even fully aware that it was happening. It wasn’t until after I was married and trying to explore some of my personal problems that I realized the intense, deep effect that this series of events had on who I identified myself as sexually and the way I related to my spouse, other men, and family.
One could not reasonably say that I “chose” to have the approach to sexuality that I did. One could not say that I chose fear and withdrawal as instinctive responses or that I chose bitterness towards others. While I had full control over what to do with these feelings and instincts as an adult, after I was made aware- I did not “choose” them.
In the same way one cannot say that any person, anywhere, “chose” their sexuality. A homosexual person, one might argue, has become so as a result of a series of events that happened in important formative years. Thus, one might argue that homosexuality is not inborn or intended. But that does not mean it is a choice. One might argue that as I chose to reinvent my own sexuality in response to my spouse that any homosexual can reinvent themselves. I won’t say that I agree or disagree, as that is not necessary to this discussion, but I will say that it is as unfair to blame a homosexual for their homosexuality as it is to blame me for having been abused and to have adapted harmful patterns as a result.
As in all things, open communication is the single most important thing as we learn how to relate to each other. For open communication to begin, we must first develop compassion and trust.
Which means that Christians who truly wish to minister to homosexuals have to start by laying down their preconceptions and trusting in the truth of what they are told. If a homosexual says, “I didn’t choose this” don’t belabor them.